It's Hump Day

Bus Driver:  That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean. 

Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
[shouts]
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus! 


GET IT ON STACY & BRYAN! GET IT ON!

Props again go to Amy Wathen for grabbing this one.

I'm too sexy...

"I'm too sexy for this stall... so fuck y'all -ME"


I wish this is what Right Said Fred would have been Right about. Instead the Freds were just creepy as hell. And not in that "hey, there's two big bulky dudes whom I wouldn't want to fight" but more in the way of "hey, there's two big bulky dudes I wouldn't want to leave my cat with because they got WAY too familiar with one in that video." The last thing I want is my cat to develop some kind of obsession with mesh shirt wearing, erect nippled, British men.

While, I get in trouble for running my mouth about how shitty Oasis is, I'm going to go ahead and assume by writing the next few paragraphs, some Russian, Right Said Fred fan blog is going to contact me and threaten my life, but here we goooooo......

So, Right Said Fred is still together? And still performing shows? Really?

Not only are they performing shows, they're having to add shows because they are selling them out.

I'm not angered by this, more shocked and intrigued.

Want to know something even more disturbing?

THEY RELEASED A GREATEST HITS RECORD!

They've also released a total of 9 records. THAT'S 9, AS IN, THE NUMBER THAT COME AFTER 8, RECORDS!!!!!

How could I possibly have missed 7 records that didn't contain I'm Too Sexy?

Now as a "stupid American", I realize we might not "get" Right Said Fred. In fact, as a straight, white dude, I might not "get" Right Said Fred. I might not be going to the right bars or listening to whatever radio station here that has "JAM" in their call letters. But surely, with the novelty of "I'm Too Sexy..." you would think somehow, more Americans would have absorbed a few more Right Said Fred albums.

Hell, the Toadies had one "hit" (I love the Toadies, I'm not dissing them), and they got a spot on Lollapalooza a couple of years ago.

So, I have to say, I'm now utterly confused. How do I finish this blog post? Do I continue on a rant about Right Said Fred? OR Do I start a campaign to try to get Right Said Fred added to Lollapalooza, Bonnaroo and Coachella?

What the hell would you do?

(Thanks Amy Wathen for this photo)

The Talented Mr. Triple-y

Keeping it short today after my Italian rant and the Lionel Richie creepfest "Hello" post.

This image comes from John Jacobsen or Keith Raines, I'm not sure which one of sent me this but kudos boys.

What can I possibly say about this image?

Somebody's parents obviously lived near some kind of radiation dump or a lead paint factory. Or somebody has a really twisted surgeon.

Besides the "three dicks" comments, I enjoy somebody posted "Like Comment", underneath the initial quote.

Get It On, It's Valentine's Day!

I want to dedicate today's post to Lionel Richie—King of the Creepy Bang Jam?

Tell me "Hello" didn't help sell a million single roses and cause the birth of a tens of thousands of kids back in the 80s.

For those not familiar with "Hello", shame on you. Head over to iTunes, download 10 copies and send them to people you love/want to really creep out.

Okay, let's break this bad ass jam DOWN!

"I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?"


Damn. Lionel was obsessed with this chick in the hide in your bushes, steal your underwear out of the dryer, sniff your hair on the bus kind of way. We learn a couple of things about his lusting. First, he had some serious wet dreams about this chick. Really, a "thousand times"? He must have gone through more sheets than the Vegas Hilton during a porn convention. Second, Lionel Richie has X-Ray vision. He can see her "pass outside my door". I wonder if he also has heat vision? Either way, Lionel is creepy and can see through doors and I'm assuming skirts. Call me Lionel.
"I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ..."


Alright so he's apparently gotten into a stare down with this chick or he has a good view from behind a ficus. If he doesn't know her, then how does he know she's all he ever wanted? What if she has a laugh like a horse? What if she has a wooden leg? What if she pops her zits and eats the pus off crackers? Lionel, as long as you're creeping around, do a background check on this chick, she could be really mental.

"I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know" 


By never being able to see the sunlight in her hair we have to assume he's lurking after her post sundown? And is his heart overflowing or is it a heart attack? You don't see a lot of  peeping Toms eating salads while they're on the hunt, they usually have to rely on Fritos, Cherry Coke and Little Debbies. Get your heart checked Lionel to make sure your angina isn't flaring up.


'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...


Okay, this verse makes it seem like he's lost track of her for a couple of days. This is what happens when you take your surveillance photos to a Walgreen's that's not one hour.


Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you 


Sad. This ends so sad. Unrequited love. Lionel never got a chance to do whatever vile, downtown, dirty ass fantasy he had developed in his head. I bet it involved nipple clamps and a car battery.


So with that, back to work. Here's to Lovers!

Let this be a lesson, Amy Wathen.

Well, today marks the birthday of the old sea bass, Amy Wathen. Amy also won the "testicle naming contest" a few weeks back with "The Step Children". Mainly because she was the only entrant, also because that's what she calls her balls.

She also took today's photo.

Is she the only one reading this damn thing other than the Italians that now want me to Cobainit?

Well, anybody who wants to wish Amy a Happy Birthday, please do so by joining in on the festivities at Holy Grale at 6-ish? tonight or by giving her a sharpie and a bathroom stall.

Sláinte.

Nothing but a bunch of hairy, Oasis loving, gold chain wearing, pasta eating, mafia members.

(Today's image and post is dedicated to www.oasisblues.com. Just so you know, you're the open mouthed figure.)

Well I've pissed off the Italians.

Maybe that's an overstatement, let me rephrase.

I've pissed off the 10 or so Italians who are hanging on to the Gallagher brothers' used up, decrepit, sweaty sacks. 

How'd this happen? In October, I posted a blog entry about how Oasis was a rancid, overrated band. Essentially, I wished somebody could figure out a way to remove Noel & Liam from the planet. Why do they not make a back-in-time abortion button? 

The entry also mentioned I hated the Beatles—that's right, I think they were about as innovative as a steak knife. 

So last week I noticed that Just Shit Talking was getting a steady stream of visitors from Italy. I wondered why. Why are these Leaning Tower of Pisa, dough-tossers coming here and why are they all coming from Oasis Blues?

Then I stumbled upon this Oasis orgy love puddle. 

The site notes it is "the Italian Milan site for pure Oasis, City and England fans." Is that a sentence? 

Since it's worded so poorly I'm going to guess it's run by either a 14 year old girl with a learning deficiency or an Italian with a loose grasp of the English language. And since nobody wants to make fun of 14 year olds with learning deficiencies, I'm going to go ahead and make fun of the loud, sweaty, Italian side of my guess. 

So, let's go through the Oasis Blue post and the comment section and see how much fun it can be to make fun of Chef Boyardee's greasy-headed, Catholic, knuckle draggers. 

1. "after John Lennon, another American idiot wants to kill Oasis"—Well, we're off to a great start—forgetting to capitalize the first letter in a sentence and I see we're using punctuation as haphazardly as the killing of innocent, peace-loving monks during the second Italo-Abyssinian War. Way to go Italy. Anyway, for an "American Idiot", I can at least figure out capitalization and punctuation are a key part of sentence structure. Maybe you should look into Rosetta Stone, it's one of America's finest exports, right up there with recognizing that FACISM WAS FUCKING WRONG.
2. "I love America but there's an idiot who lives in a toilet"—I'm going have to differ with you on this one. While my house does contain 3 toilets I don't live in any of them. Sure I frequent them from time to time but that's about it. See, this is again where I think the language barrier or too many ingrown unibrow hairs have confused you. This blog is about bathroom graffiti and it's place in underground art. Occasionally, I express my opinions on things but rarely do I write about music. Sorry guys, I'll try to use smaller words and send a fleet of tweezers to Milan for you. Also, pick another adjective than "idiot". Try "asshole", "bastard" or "moron", it's a good way to mix up your sentences. Makes things sound fresh.
3. "You can report him please, on the bar above, "report abuse" (in Italian "segnala una violazione") and spread the word, to make..American Blogger close it."—Wow, one person tells you they don't like your favorite band and you try to turn me in for abuse? What if I told you I didn't like your shirt or your jet black hair underneath your hairnet, would you send the Mario Brothers over here to beat my mom with a sausage? Fugetaboutit!
4. "His name is "Shit Talker" and knows "a lot" about music..."—Couple things here. First, my name isn't Shit Talker, just like your name isn't Oasis Blue. That is, unless you are so infatuated with Oasis that you changed your first name to Oasis. Also, Blue doesn't sound very Italian to me, I mean I would expect you to keep your proud Italian last name—names like Corleone or Soprano or again, Boyardee. Oasis Boyardee has a nice ring to it. Next, you quote me as saying I know "a lot" about music. Go back, pick up your English to Italian pocket translator and re-read the post. I never said I knew "a lot" about music. (Just so you know, I actually do I have degree in music history and music theory and another in journalism, that's not bragging, oh who am I kidding, that is bragging.) 
5. "hiding himself in his beautiful successful blog, name and face, he should change name in Shit Wanker."—Why thank you. I do think this blog is beautiful with its' junior high school art direction. Second your comment isn't a sentence. Slow it down hoss. Third, this blog is not successful. I've made $0 at it and I'm okay with that.
6. "Congrats for the place where he lives, a toilet is appropriate for a piece of shit as he is."—Again, not a great sentence but I see where you were going. It's hard to type complete sentences when you're yelling at your mom from her basement to go make you another plate of meatballs. It's okay, it's your second language, sometimes sounding like a bleating goat is just fine.

Now, on to the comments. I'm only going to make fun of the ones that are in English, or some form of broken English. I translated a few through Google translator and even Google translator can't understand these mooks.

1. "reported! idiots as these must be erased. We should also report him to the official site"—Great. Glad you reported me. Go ahead, report me to Oasis. I'm sure they've got time to take a break from recording their next amazing record to talk to me about their opinions on music and... oh wait, they broke up. Yeah they care so much about their fans and their illustrious musical career that they can't stand to even be in the same room together.
2. "Andrea said...still the primitive men in the year 2010. He even hates the Beatles, that says a lot: he's not human."—Nice rhyme but Andrea, come on, bring the hard stuff. You kind of whiffed on this one. Kind of like how Oasis whiffed on Heathen Chemistry. Just a terrible record, again, much like your comment.
3. "he's a jealous shit!!!!!!!"—Eh. You know what, I'm gonna give you this one. I'd love to have millions in the bank and not have to work.
4. "these days internet is totally out of control"—I agree with you. There is way too much granny and tranny porn out there. Also the kiddie porn is out of control too. Somebody needs to shut Pete Townsend's computer down. 
5. "Piolo77 said...jealousy.. We would never write we want to kill Green Day and nobody in the world, but live forever so to show they're inferior to Oasis... That blog says a lot about people who hate Oasis... ridiculous and childish people."—Glad you'd never write we want to kill Green Day. Except you just said, "we want to kill Green Day". I figure if Oasis Blue can misquote me by saying I know "a lot" about music, then I can misquote you as saying, "we want to kill Green Day". Wait until Green Day and it's fans get hold of this.
6. "Matt C said...of course one as Shit Talker has a friend with a Che Guevara profile pic and hates Oasis."—Matt, not seeing the direct connection here but I guess you're mad Che wasn't in the band? Not really sure what you're digging at? I have no control over what my friends pick as their icons. That's like saying Italy had no choice but to enter World War II and fight with the Germans.
7. "M77 said...why the great "man" Shit Talker doesn't face himself the Gallaghers? is he afraid they beat him? or is he afraid of the British SAS military bodyguard soldiers they have as security service.."—Why don't I face the Gallaghers? Oh let me see, because I run a shitty little blog about bathroom graffiti with a usual readership in teens. Tell you what M77 if you can get the Gallaghers in the same room without them stabbing one another with pitchforks then I'll face them. Actually, go ahead get them in the same room, that'll solve a lot of problems.
8. "Green Gay said...americans are depressed people: their only possibility is to eat a lot, to become fat fucks."—Sorry Green Gay. I'm not fat. Nor do suffer from depression. I'm in my early 30s, fairly active and only get depressed when Oasis is on the radio. Actually, Oasis Blue, you can blame your reader Green Gay for this entire post/rant. I was ready to just laugh the whole thing off. But then he had to stereotype Americans as fat and depressed. Sure a lot of us are but that's like describing Italians as greasy, olive oil making, mother loving, gondola drivers. I figure it's fair to generalize. Doesn't it feel great?
9. admin said...I reported him to the Gallaghers. About the Canadian attacking Noel, they said: his house is our house..."—"Canadian attacking"? What the hell is that? I never attacked Canada. Canada's great. I love Canada. I never said anything bad about Canada. Long live Canada.

From there, the rest of the comments aren't really worth printing here. They're just lazy. Lazy like Americans. Right? And since I'm expecting a comeback from Oasis Blue and his followers, I'm sure myself and America will be attacked for our crazy religions, our lack of education, our overspending, our world debt, our veins of racism that still run through this country, our senseless slaughter of millions of people, our pill-popping, school shooting teens, our lack of public transportation, our over consumption of everything, our sedentary lifestyles, our big cars, our stupid, vapid Hollywood stars, our oil spills, our crimes against nature and our jobless, homeless nation. I'm quite sure there's more to add to this attack because American's do a lot of stupid things. Me taking the time to write this post is probably one of them. 

Hell, our music scene is worse now than ever. When a show like American Idol can trot out over produced pop crap for bloated Americans to consume and the Black Eyed Peas can somehow perform at the Super Bowl in horrendous fashion, is this worse than Oasis? It's close. I might even have to give Oasis a nod for at least playing real instruments and not looking like whores in LED suits. 

So for all the obnoxious, really crude, gambling addicted, vain, opera loving, wife abusing, women seducing, cheating, lying, cold cut eating, dock working, Chef Boyardee Italian jokes I've made you guys need to realize, America is not perfect, Italy isn't perfect and Oasis isn't perfect. 

That said, let the attacks on this post begin. Thanks Green Gay

(Welcome to satire you clods.)

Hipster Booger

Sup slowtards.

Back with a damn vengeance, a White Castle, Big Red thirst vengeance.

Today's contribution comes from somebody. To be honest, I'm not sure who. It was in my phone when I cleaned it out the other night. The texts and emails come late at night sometimes. At this point I'm either neck deep in articles online about why cranes symbolize peace in Japan or I'm busy wrestling a bottle of Schlitz (Gusto Formula).

Speaking of all things Hipster, Schlitz has to be gaining ground in the Hipster nation. While PBR is the reigning king, Schlitz has to be making an impact. It's not as cheap as PBR, but it's kind of like PBR's cousin that lives near a golf course. All the same elements of PBR, it just happens to have a slightly snootier everything—above ground pool, 4 wheeler for his acre and a half yard, propane grill, etc.—you know what I'm talking about. This is the cousin who always has to have Christmas at his house because he just got the newest video game system but doesn't have enough chairs and can only deep fry the turkey.

Anyway, I highly recommend (the now semi-new) Schlitz. For less than $7 a 6 pack it's a pretty damn good beer. It's also better than a Hipster Booger.

Keep it awesome.

P.S. To who ever sent this, thanks and keep the photos coming.

Wintery Blast

Shit.

Lake Shore Drive looks like a McDonald's drive-thru on Shamrock Shake Day.

The city of Chicago and most of the Greater Midwest have been taken over by roving gangs of tauntauns. It's the end of the world ma, it's the end of the world!

Today, if you ever lived near Lincoln Park, you don't belong here, there or any where near the snow monster ravaged city of Chicago.

Good luck Chicago. Good luck reattaching your arms and enjoy some yellow snow.

In other news, this blog is back. New design, new pics and next week, Amy Wathen gets a week dedicated to her for "balls" name. Great job. Glad to be back.