Thursday, January 10, 2013

Gandalf's Powers Sucked Big Hairy Monkey Nuts

First, I'm not a Lord of the Rings nerd. I've never read the books, I've never taken an Elfish correspondence class and I don't have a "ring" replica hanging around my neck. But, I have seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy and I just went to see The Hobbit last weekend.

Overall, I'm a big fan. I think Peter Jackson has done an amazing job. I think he has created a very interesting and fascinating set of movies. Some may argue that breaking The Hobbit into three, three hour parts is a bit excessive. But I don't care.

However, something hit me about two hours into the Hobbit—Gandalf's powers are SHIT.

Let's review what this "wizard" can actually do, based on the movies:

1. Fireworks. We know Gandalf can make them. So can the Chinese. I don't see us lauding the Chinese factory workers who make our favorite "Golden Showers" sparklers and "Poopstick Destroyers" with the title of wizard. Hell, these folks can't even get lauded with a pimento cheese sandwich at lunch, nor can they make more than $1 a day—I don't consider this magical.

2. He can summon birds. Big deal. The hillbillies on Duck Dynasty figured out a way to make millions of dollars off duck calls. So does this mean they are on par with Gandalf? No. If they are prepare for three headed ducks who shit fireworks.

3. He can start a fire (barely). In the Hobbit, he lights a pine cone by rubbing it against his staff. I would like to point out it was very dry in this scene and any good boy scout can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Also, a lighter can do this, again made by the Chinese.

4. He can rise from the dead. Kinda/sorta. In the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, he rode some nefarious creature into a black hole and came back a white wizard. I have a problem with this whole thing.

When he came back he seemed a bit dazed. Well if you fell into a giant hole and hit your head, wouldn't you be a bit scrambled? It's called Post Concussion Syndrome. Also, the only difference between Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White was his clothing.

Big deal.

My grandmother fell in her kitchen this summer, broke her shoulder, her wrist and banged up her knee. She also shit herself.  It's okay, it's human nature. She was scared and in intense pain. So isn't it fair to say if you rode a big, squishy creature several stories, that you used to as a cushion, that you too might shit yourself and need a new robe?

"Oh fuck, they're out of grey. Damn, I'll have to get white."

5. He can make a big light flash occur. Big deal. Buy a mirror and angle it at the sun or bright light real quick and you too can blind people when you walk into a room. Also a million candle watt spotlight will do this too.


I'm not impressed with Gandalf as a wizard. I think he just stumbled into a job he's over qualified for—kind of like the kid you called "Cathead" in high school stumbling into a McDonald's Senior Management when he should really be working the drive thru window.

Friday, January 4, 2013

'Merica, Fuck Yeah!

I've written this headline before or at least something damn close to it. 

I also feel like I've written and American pride post before. 

Therefore, I have no idea what to write about. 

Anyway, let's just agree this photo's pretty bad ass.