Get It On, It's Valentine's Day!

I want to dedicate today's post to Lionel Richie—King of the Creepy Bang Jam?

Tell me "Hello" didn't help sell a million single roses and cause the birth of a tens of thousands of kids back in the 80s.

For those not familiar with "Hello", shame on you. Head over to iTunes, download 10 copies and send them to people you love/want to really creep out.

Okay, let's break this bad ass jam DOWN!

"I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?"


Damn. Lionel was obsessed with this chick in the hide in your bushes, steal your underwear out of the dryer, sniff your hair on the bus kind of way. We learn a couple of things about his lusting. First, he had some serious wet dreams about this chick. Really, a "thousand times"? He must have gone through more sheets than the Vegas Hilton during a porn convention. Second, Lionel Richie has X-Ray vision. He can see her "pass outside my door". I wonder if he also has heat vision? Either way, Lionel is creepy and can see through doors and I'm assuming skirts. Call me Lionel.
"I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ..."


Alright so he's apparently gotten into a stare down with this chick or he has a good view from behind a ficus. If he doesn't know her, then how does he know she's all he ever wanted? What if she has a laugh like a horse? What if she has a wooden leg? What if she pops her zits and eats the pus off crackers? Lionel, as long as you're creeping around, do a background check on this chick, she could be really mental.

"I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know" 


By never being able to see the sunlight in her hair we have to assume he's lurking after her post sundown? And is his heart overflowing or is it a heart attack? You don't see a lot of  peeping Toms eating salads while they're on the hunt, they usually have to rely on Fritos, Cherry Coke and Little Debbies. Get your heart checked Lionel to make sure your angina isn't flaring up.


'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...


Okay, this verse makes it seem like he's lost track of her for a couple of days. This is what happens when you take your surveillance photos to a Walgreen's that's not one hour.


Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you 


Sad. This ends so sad. Unrequited love. Lionel never got a chance to do whatever vile, downtown, dirty ass fantasy he had developed in his head. I bet it involved nipple clamps and a car battery.


So with that, back to work. Here's to Lovers!