Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Magic Ninja's Run This Bitch

Oh me?

Oh I'm the guy who used to run this lowly-read blog and has been absent for months.

Where have I been? Too much cocaine? Abducted by aliens who thought I knew the secret recipe for Wonder Bread®? Playing Zeus in a regional theater comedy troupe's production of "Gods, Dammit!"—where a group of Gods decide to form a bowling team, only to learn nobody makes shoes that fit their enormous feet, so instead they go on a murdering spree?


I've been off making terrible decisions—like turning this half-baked blog into a book. I hear it was the trendy thing to do three years ago. So I thought, what the hell. Let's be behind the curve. Let's waste some more time and money on a bad idea.

Oh, I see you have questions.

Let's start on the left side of the room and work to the right.

What's the name of this book?
Magic Ninjas Run This Bitch!

Why? That makes no sense!
Really? Really? Is this your fucking book? Who wrote the mother fucker? That's right. Me. The one who has been drinking battery acid and eating corn dogs for a year now compiling this thing? Huh? Let me assure you, "Magic Ninja's Run This Bitch!" They do. And if they don't, I'll buy you a unicorn.

Will you show us these "Magic Ninjas"?
Go fuck yourself. Buy the book.

Will it just be a retread of all the blog posts you have thrown up here for the past 5 years?
No. Some of the better pieces will appear. But those have been remixed. They now include proper grammar, better sentence structure and words that were not ham-fisted into place in the 20 minutes it took me to write each post. There will be numerous chapters that have never appeared on this blog. Freshy, fresh shit. There will also be a ton of new photos—they'll still look like shit, but there will be new ones.

What will Magic Ninjas Run This Bitch look like?
It will be a mix of bathroom graffiti and words. Just like the blog but it will look a shit ton better. Some chapters will be all words. Some will be all photos. Most will be a mix of both. Overall, it'll be a majestic piece of art that will adorn all coffee tables and the backs of all toilets.

When will it be done?
I don't know. Get off my back you slimy, oil-soaked whore. Right now, the copy is 80% done. I'm setting a hard date of April 30th for the completion of copy. The art and layout will be next. Which should take a month of evenings. Then there's editing and proofing. Look for it this summer in your bread box.

This seems really expensive.
Yeah. But I'm not going to pay for it. No, the rubes at Kickstarter will. They just hand out money right? 

Any more questions? 
I see like 12 hands up. 
Too bad I'm not answering anything else.

Tell a friend, Magic Ninjas Run This Bitch.