Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Here's to Crocs and Condoms

Usually, I go on and on with long-winded copy about whatever I post.

Today however, the picture says it all... "Here's to Crocks and Condoms, 2 Things I'll Never Wear."

Just perfect. Enjoy your summer day of shoeless banging.

Even though "Crocks" is misspelled.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

People Like Shit.

Amy Wathen grabbed this at a Bearno's Pizza

At first, I had no idea what "Like a G6" meant. Come to find out it's the song they play while they're  waterboarding prisoners at Guantanamo. Since I'd never heard this sonic ice pick, onwards to the YouTube I went...

If you've watched the video above or even if you didn't, let's talk about the levels of horror this musical bag of flaming dog poop creates:

  • The song is supposed to be about a G6 private jet. Only problem, there is no G6 private jet, there is a G4, there is also a Pontiac G6 car, which looks like this:

(Believe it or not, this is how they come direct from the factory.)

  • 70 million people have watched this thing. 70 million! That means 1 out of every 5 people you know has seen it and is certifiably, mentally defective. 70 million people is roughly the same number of people that were wiped off the face of the earth in WWII—that's entire countries! That's MORE THAN the combined population of New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, Dallas, San Jose, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, San Francisco, Austin, Columbus, Fort Worth, Charlotte, Detroit, El Paso, Memphis, Baltimore, Boston, Seattle, Washington, Nashville, Denver, Louisville, Milwaukee, Portland, Las Vegas, Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Tucson, Fresno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Kansas City, Mesa, Virginia Beach, Atlanta, Colorado Springs, Omaha, Raleigh, Miami, Cleveland, Tulsa, Oakland, Minneapolis, Wichita, Arlington, Bakersfield and New Orleans.

  • Did they film this video at the old Benihana and the condemned Red Roof Inn? I think I see Hildalga the Mexican/Russian tranny maid in the background breaking it down with a pork chop.
  • I notice everybody drinking. Then everybody driving around to get more liquor. Hey, wait a minute, there's no designated driver here! Well this is just illegal.
  • This song is not about just drinking, it's clearly about drinking cough syrup. "When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard. Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6." Sizzurp is code for cough syrup and soda. I'm beginning to think the folks at Robitussin have a lucrative deal with some record labels. Pepsi and Coke have washed their hands of music and superstar endorsements, thanks to Madonna having sex with Black Jesus and Kobe Bryant raping everything but a Sprite can. So since mainstream sodas have pulled out of the music biz—insert Robitussin—who gets the chance to have their product glorified, while creating an entirely new revenue stream. Mark it down, it's my new conspiracy theory!
  • Are we entirely certain these guys aren't the Black Eyed Peas? The one with the long hair and the mustache looks way too much like Fergie.
  • What qualifies Dev to sing anything? How much did she make for this song? Why do I feel like she lives in a nicer house than anybody reading this? Why do I also feel like she'll lose this house in the next month, develop a crack addiction and end up on A&E's Intervention next season? 
All in all, this song and video prove that idiots control record labels, (no shock), 70 million Americans are idiots (also no shock) and Robitussin is gettin' paid son!

So next time you're in a major 'tussin drunk, start humming this tune because the person 5 seats down from you will hum it back.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Thanks to Lauren Collins for today's, "What the hell are we looking?"

Cast your vote:

create a free poll on pollsb.com

Monday, June 20, 2011

Yo Momma Got Rubber Nipples

Sorry for the long lay off between posts.

Also sorry for the Zimmer and Kohl Construction rant. While I expected nothing done about the situation, I did contact the Louisville Better Business Bureau. Even they, won't do anything about it, not even revoke their BBB status—even though mine was the 6th complaint filed against them this year. Thanks Louisville Better Business Bureau, you're on my list of places to throw flaming bags of poop at.

Anyway, we're back and back with "Your momma's rubber nipples."

I'm not sure if rubber nipples is really an insult or not. On one hand, nipples are already kind of rubbery. If somebody's did have rubber implants would that be the worst thing? Sure they'd look odd, but people are doing a lot weirder things out there.

For example...

I watched John Waters at Bonnaroo this year discuss several really bizarre sexual fetishes. The oddest was men who replace the skin of their testicles with a clear plastic material so their partners can watch the production of sperm, kind of like a really perverted fish tank.

So, while this may have been an insult at one point, this is probably a sexual fetish now.

Thanks go to Lauren Collins for snagging this one. (What kind of bathrooms are you going to?)