Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Suds!

I'll be taking a few days off from the site so I can eat my weight in giblets, take some more photos and work up a few more rants. I promise it won't be for that long. Gimme a week.

Seems all this turkey and thankfulness has zapped me of the ability to put together swear laden paragraphs.

Be sure to celebrate this long weekend with a few glasses of your favorite suds and enough cranberry sauce to choke a goat.

I'm out!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Drippy Dick! Reader Submission Tuesday.

Thanks to Troy Burkhart for today's photo.

This is kind of how the weather feels today. Drippy. Seems we've slipped into a bit of Seattle mode today.

In thinking about the weather, do we really still need weathermen, weatherladies or weathersluts (male or female)?

I don't care about barometric pressure. Just flash up what's going to happen over the next five days for 30 seconds and we're good. Or how about taping the signs to kittens and letting them run around on screen for a minute or two.
Whenever, I post a blog entry, Blogger always asks for "labels" or words that allow people on the internet to search and find this post.

Over the past couple of years, people have found this site using a myriad of words.

It now gives me great pride to add "drippy dick" and "Troy Burkhart" to this list of words.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Nothing interesting.

I'm running on fumes today—3 AM, radio scripts, freelance and reruns of The Wire.

So, to keep the consecutive M-F streak going, here's something from Craig Ross.

Seeing this let's me know that I'm not the only person who enjoys reading random stuff on bathroom walls. It's as though the person who wrote this was putting an ad up for me and this blog.

Alright, enough for now, back to the daily slug fest between my eyelids and my laptop.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Reader Submission — Toy Story 2 was ok!

It's Friday and I'm really not in the mood to be long whhhhinded.

So, today's image comes from the majestic Aaron Enneking.

Little known facts about Aaron:

  • He invented toast.
  • Coined the phrase, "white people".
  • Obsessed with Angela Lansbury (ask him to see his collection of her tasteful nudes).
  • Brittle. 
  • Scared of "white people".
Since I've never seen any of the Toy Story movies, I'm going to have to agree with the scribe.

Until Monday

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Well, I had to look this one up for a couple of reasons. One, I'm not hip to the Craigslist/internet personal ad sex slang, (I'm looking at you Nicole and Billy Cooper) and two, I don't pick up dudes. (For those that don't know, VGL is Very Good Looking. And MWM is Married White Man.)

So what can we learn from this post...

  1. The Very Good Looking Married White Man is named Matt.
  2. He's "thin" and looking for dudes—as this was in a men's room.
  3. He's requesting you be over 6 foot. Sorry women's volleyball team.
  4. From seeing that Matt has "tested safe", I'm assuming this isn't Matt's first rodeo and has probably had a number of gentlemen callers and ballers.
  5. Matt is "very discreet". So discreet that he's listed his phone number on a bathroom wall at a gas station beside a major interstate that gets on average 150 men a day using it.
  6. "Local". This was odd to me. I think you'd want to have sex with the truck driver who's blowing through town. Why would you want to have sex with a dude you might run into down at the IGA while you're getting groceries with your wife? Again, Matt, you're married, come on buddy think things through.
  7. "935-273-8424" I'll give $5 to somebody if they call this number, talk to Matt and report back on his thoughts about this being posted on the internet. I'll also require the effectiveness of this bathroom wall personal ad. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Jessica Simpson, also awful.

I agree.

Today's post is a shortie as well.  Sorry folks, got more bacon than the pan can handle.

I leave you with this picture of one of the biggest clods in music/entertainment/breathing.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Who needs an excuse to blaze one?

Well, the work load is finally catching up to me today. So, there will be no rants about Katherine Heigl, companies I can't stand or how I really don't care for fried pickles.

Instead, I leave you with this simple question.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Katherine Heigl is Awful.

Look, this isn't going to be the manliest post I've ever made, but here we go.

I hate Katherine Heigl. She makes shitty movies that some how, some morons pony up $10 to watch. I don't know any of these people. And if you're reading this post, chances are you don't know any of these people either. Nobody does.

Who the hell are these people?

My best guess is some where an orderly is loading up a short bus full of individuals who have their names attached to their shirts on colorful scraps of  construction paper and an "if lost, return to" card in their pocket.

The first three times I saw Katherine Heigl, I thought  "Shit, Charlize Theron looks like shit!" 

That's right Katherine Heigl made me utter a double "shit" sentence. 

Her movies usually center around her being some type of love lorn female trapped in world where she's super competitive and trying to have it all. Or she wants to bone some dude, but she doesn't want to admit that she wants to bone that dude because it would mean some how it goes against some law of nature that nobody abides by. Fuck, what am I talking about, that's the same damn movie. That's all of her movies. 

Have I seen any of her movies. Yes. One. Can I tell you the name of it? No. But it was probably something like "The Crazy Things We Do To Bone Dudes That We Don't Want To Bone But Should Probably Bone Anyway, Oops." 

I don't need to see her movies. I can't. Just the trailers cause my mouth to fill with a lactic bile. Plus, they're all the same. Don't believe me? Well.... I looked up her next movie. 

It's called, "One for the Money." Here's the description, "Unemployed and newly-divorced Stephanie Plum lands a job at her cousin's bail-bond business, where her first assignment puts her on the trail of a wanted local cop from her romantic past."

Guess who she's gonna bone? Oh wait, she already apparently boned the cop she's chasing. So, I'm going to guess she catches him, fondles his junk and they both run off to South America where they raise pygmy goats and keep the chickens awake with the sound of her rumbling uterus and her quest to be the best South American TV news reporter and crêpe chef. 

Katherine Heigl, you're awful.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

What happens when you cross Vaginas and Jawas?

If you've seen Star Wars you know a...
Jawa (n.) Typically short rodent-like natives of Tatooine. They were passionate scavengers, seeking out technology for sale or trade in the deep deserts in their huge sandcrawler transports. A band of Jawas was responsible for locating C-3PO and R2-D2 and selling them to Luke Skywalker's uncle Owen Lars.

And if you're a human, we know a...
Vagina (n.) Well, I think we all know what this is.

As to Vagwas, I assume it's a Jawa's Vagina. 

Any other guesses?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Reader Submission Wednesday!

Yeah, I can't make an aids joke. That's just too far for me.

My advice—maybe don't call this number. If you happen to own this number, maybe get yourself tested.

Since most of my photos from friends are sent to me in the wee hours of the morning, I'm not sure if this was sent by John Jacobsen, Keith Raines, Nick Demille or Craig Ross. Either way, thanks for the photo and keep them coming.

Keep a sock on the pickle!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Suck Mine!

Over the past few months, several large companies have piseed me off.

I dedicate today's post to these ass clowns! I invite each of you to SUCK MINE!

  • All-State—Why? My basement floods, it took 173 days for them to pay for the water back up. 173! That's almost 6 months. You're lucky I don't Herman Cain your genitals.
  • Zimmer & Kohl Contractors—In the flooding of the basement these contractors screwed us over royally. Swore at us, upped their bid by $10,000 two days AFTER they were supposed to start construction. I've already posted the story here, I can't repeat the whole thing here.
  • All-State—Yes, back for the second round. After closing a bank account, you somehow forced the bank to open the account back up and caused us $127 in late fees.
  • Arby's—Good Mood Food puts me in Bad Mood Throw Up Mode. I hate this campaign. HATE IT! I don't know what clods at Arby's approved this but these people should be drug out in the street, have headphones strapped on them and have this horrible jingle blared into their ears until they have gone deaf or start bleeding from their eyes. 
  • Thrifty Car Rental—45 minutes in line for a car with only 2 people in front of me is toooooo long. How about you hire people that don't smell like they've slept under a bridge for a week? Also hiring people who can type would really fucking help.
  • Hampton Inn—Apparently, your hotels are infested with mobs of feral cats as your hotel rooms smell like cat piss.
  • Home Depot—This is a fun one. I opened a credit card. Never got a bill. Never got said credit card. Never got an account number. Finally I got a couple of phone calls. Learned they couldn't give me an account number over the phone. So, I went to the store to pay the bill. The store told me I couldn't pay the bill. After 3 phone calls and 20 minutes, a person on the other end of the phone told me she couldn't give me my account number but she could give it to the customer service desk employee. HOW CAN YOU GIVE MY NUMBER TO A COMPLETE STRANGER, BUT YOU CAN"T GIVE IT TO THE ACCOUNT HOLDER?
There's my list. What company would you like to tell to suck it?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Pobody's Nerfect

Let's start Monday off with a dick joke.

Nice job catching the uncircumcised-ness of this photo goes to Keith Raines.

Let's see if I can get through a week with a post everyday—but then again, Pobody's Nerfect.

Friday, November 4, 2011



Way to not write "dick" or "johnson" or "schlong". This guy decided to go the medically correct route with "penis".

Of all the things to write, this was what somebody chose? Perplexing.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

This Just In!

I'm back! Yes, I know I've said these words before, but this time I really, really mean it. I've got a stockpile of great shots and finally the time to do this right. So call a buddy and tell them to move their internet browsing ass over to Just Shit Talking. We're back on track, but still way off course.

So what's happened since I last posted? Let's run down the list.
– I may or may not have been picked up by three African American prostitutes on the streets of Chicago. They may have also been undercover cops, I'm still not sure. It was weird. I bought them Red Bull.
– I broke a laptop.
– I broke a terrabyte hard drive.
– I broke an iPod.
– I broke out two teeth.
– I broke my thumb.

Yup, fall so far has been a regular unicorn rainbow farting contest.

Oddly enough, only the last two items on that list are related. A horrendous bike wreck left me with a face that looked like that kid from Mask and a lisp that made me sound like Cindy Brady on human growth hormones. While the teeth have been replaced, the thumb still sits in cast. Typing is hard and if I ever find the guy who almost ran me off the road, I'm going to smack him with this cast, break out his front two teeth and make him pay my medical bills. Watch out fucko in the red Chevy Cobalt.

Enough about me, let's talk about Hondo—he wants to pee in your butt.

Apparently, he isn't the only one. According to the always politically correct Urban Dictionary, so does G-Money. And up until the beginning of this posting, I never knew "LMPIYB" stood for "Let Me Pee In Your Butt".

Must we abbreviate everything—ASAP, EOD, LOL? What happened to the days when you could simply just ask your partner, "Hey, can I pee in your butt?". There's nothing sexy about saying, "Hey, baby, LMPIYB." 

Abbreviations are killing how we communicate. The more we create, the closer we are to devolving into grunting like cavemen, pigs and Jagermeister sauced up teenagers. Conversations in the business world are littered with way too many of these epileptic sounding sound bytes. And anymore, there are multiple meanings for each thing we abbreviate. 

For example, yesterday, I had to write something for work. Somebody handed me an abbreviation I wasn't familiar with (p.s. my job requires I know between 25 and 3000 abbreviations for medical terms, government agencies and bizarre-ass things that should never be abbreviated in the first place). So I googled the abbreviation. Low and behold the abbreviation has 19 different meanings. 19! 

So with that, I've reached my limit with abbreviations. I'm done. In fact, the next time I get into a conversation that goes something like this, "Well the ROI on this POD project are just to much to put against the FYB." My response is going to be, "Yeah, you're right, the LMPIYB numbers are really down."

This is now what you get for using abbreviations around me, especially one that has 19 meanings. LMPIYB!