Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Be Happy? My Ass!

The sign says the opposite of what I'm thinking.

What is there to be happy about?

Here are some things that make me pissed right now.

1. Space AIDS—Yeah. That's right, AIDS isn't just coming from junkies and anal sex between gay men and well, I mean, those are the only places it comes from right? I mean heterosexuals spreading normal AIDS? Bullshit!

But back to the Space AIDS.

Aliens are now coming down to earth and injecting us all with this super genetic altering disease. Common symptoms are pants shitting, facial donuts, sleeping and cast iron skillet finger—it's horrible, your finger gets all rusty and cornbread sticks to it.

2. Summer Music Festivals—Oh. Fuck. Here come the hippies. Got dang jam bands are coming into town to steal your beach balls, smoke your ground weeds and rape your grandma. Looks like it's time to put the chastity belt back on Nana.

3. Shirt stink—I've had a shirt for 16 years. I feel as though this shirt should not immediately omit a rank odor every time I sweat at the gym. Fuck this shirt. And fuck you Nike for making a shirt that can last 20 years without smelling like a 13 year old boy's jizz sock collection.

4. The Hostess Collapse—How the fuck are our kids gonna get fat now? No Twinkies. No Ho-ho's. No Ding-Dongs.

Do they really think that somebody is going to eat Little Debbie's? That shit ain't legit. Fuck. This country has one thing left to hang our hat on—FAT PEOPLE.

We excel at big fat, fatties, lardos and adults with jowls. Without Hostess, we are removing a key piece of the puzzle to our dominance.

Get your shit together Hostess and the people trying to buy this shitting, defunct abortion.

5. Mexicans. You know who you are.

6. That fuck that wears scrubs to the gym—Oh look at me, I'm a male nurse. I have a shitty ass thin beard and I workout. Fuck you. I workout too and I don't buy my clothes at Wal-green's. I also don't bring my coughed on, spit on, anal leakage stained scrubs to the gym.

7. Good beer—Where do you get off brewers? Fucking making things that make me wanna drink them? I remember when the best beer available to us was Killian's. And that shit is rank. Tastes like an old sock soaked in a gravel piss pit. IPAs? More like FUCKPAs.

8. Old people—Today I flew 11 hours. From Louisville, Kentucky to Pasco, Washington. On each  plane I experienced multiple things that pissed me off about old people. First, you're slow. Two, you have weird odors. One guy smelled like he had been snacking in the liter box—cat turd breath to the max. Three, I think you all have some kind of weird secret society where you plot ways to piss off people younger than you. Like taking forever to order at Panda Express, wearing khakis that haven't been washed since the 1986 Mets vs. Red Sox World Series and just "pancaking"—this is what I now call it when old people fall and break their hips.

9. Ash Trays—Where have they all gone? I don't smoke.

10. Ronald Reagan—Just go die already. What are you 104?

Be happy. Suck my balls happiness. You're what's wrong with this world.