Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I'm trusting my love life to gas station condom dispensers.

Today's photo comes from the Randy Travis of Creative Directors, Troy Burkhart. He snagged this gem on a recent trip through West Virginia.

West Virginia has taught me three valuable life lessons:

1. "Medford Drivers Suck Dick." This must be true because it was written on a condom dispenser in a men's bathroom—the official truth teller of the male world. Who needs Fox News? We have condom dispensers for our up to the minute, late-breaking, accurate news. If you can't trust the news you read on the same machine that will sell you a French Tickler what can you count on? 

Before I move on to my second valuable life lesson, I would like to take this opportunity to commend the drivers of Medford. Not only do you gobble pole like candy at a diabetic convention, you have made national news for your ability to do so. Congrats! Your crown is in the mail.

2. There is a chain of restaurants called Tudor's Biscuit World. More like biscuit heaven! Just go ahead and hook up the gravy I.V. (I chose gravy I.V. even though I don't like gravy. It just sounds better. I will mouw down on some biscuits—like Medford Drivers on a dick.) 

Sorry for the aside from the condom dispenser. Back to it.

3. For the rest of my natural born life, I'm only buying condoms from gas station condom dispensers. Why not? I'm 35 and I've lived a very strategic life of trying not to have children. Maybe it's time to get a little reckless? And what could be more reckless than strapping on a thin piece of rubber that's been sitting in a sweltering, piss-soaked bathroom for lawwwd knows how long?

I'm certain that these condoms are also of the highest quality and completely unlike the "irregular socks" left over at a sock factory. I have faith that whomever assembled these sheaths was trained way more than the dude at El Socko Gigante who just made a sock with two heels and no toe enclosure.

Also, who likes the idea of walking into a CVS or a Walgreen's and buying a box of condoms? It's always been a semi-embarassing act. Yes, it says, "Hey look at me, I'm going to take these home and use them on something I picked up at a Rafferty's." But usually the person behind the register is either your grandmother's twin or a 16 year old who can't control his laughing. 

Gas station condom dispensers are private and again an excellent source of news. So, ladies, be warned, I have a mind that is full of knowledge and current events, a handful of quarters and pocketful of French Ticklers. Otherwise, I guess we could just use an irregular sock.

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