Wednesday, March 9, 2011

You Could Be Raped Here.

It's Thursday, but fuckshitdamn it feels like Friday.

Today's Shit Talking image comes from Keith Raines. A talented chap with a chipped tooth on his shoulder.

Now on with the rape.

Having lived in Chicago for almost 10 years, I always loved the negative perception people had of the city. Take for instance my psychotic ex-girlfriend from college. Before I graduated, and before I dumped her crazy ass—I'll get to that in moment—I had a serious desire to move to Chicago.

My professor, the legend, Dennis Altman, who worked for some of the biggest ad agencies in the world, was pushing a few of to Chicago. Rightfully so, it's a great city where you can see everything good! You can go to a museum, you can see priceless works of art. You can eat pancreas!

So back to the craziest bitch in the whole world. I told her, Dennis helped get a few of us some interviews, her response, "Well, I'll never move there because it's dirty." My response, "Have you ever been there?" Her response, "No, but I see on the news that they have newspapers just littering the streets, also there's rape."

This is only one of the stupid things she said/did while we were together.

In fact, let's run down a short list:
  • Gave herself shin splints running 25 miles a week. Then blamed me. Because I made her walk home two block from a party once.
  • Hit a deer with the back of her car while driving 60 miles per hour on the interstate. To this day I don't understand this one.
  • Lied about what city she was from in Tennessee. Who does that? If your hometown was called Number 1, Tennessee wouldn't you want people to know it?
  • Developed anorexia/bulimia a year into our relationship. That's NOT the stupid thing. I realize this is a disease that people legitimately suffer from. Here's the stupid thing: She was in school to become... a Nutritionist! She wanted TO HELP GIRLS WHO HAD NEGATIVE BODY ISSUES ANDDDDD ANOREXIA/BULIMIA. If you can't fix yourself, how can you fix others?
  • Chased me like a maniac in her car. I finally stopped and threw her keys across a mall parking lot. I got back in the car, drove away and hid in an abandoned Mexican restaurant's parking lot. She found me. I then raced back to my friend's apartment where we turned out all the lights and hid. She called the house 15 to 1000 in one hour.
  • Once sat with her head against our front door and proceeded to bang it against the door for 45 minutes. We called our downstairs neighbors and told them to go out and threaten her with the cops. She then took a swing at one of them.
  • Threatened to break up with me if I went to work. I said, "Go ahead. I have to pay rent." She retracted this statement, only to show up at my work crying 3 hours later.
  • Wore overalls. What girl above the age of 10 and past the age of 50 wears these?
  • Tried to have sex with one of my best friends the year after I graduated.
  • Said a guy pushed her down the stairs in the school of music and threatened to call the police UNTIL she talked to the head of the music department, who somehow worked out a deal with her where she got to travel with me and the University of Kentucky road band if she didn't call the police.
  • Said I pushed her down the stairs and threatened to call the police UNTIL I yelled to my roommate to call the police because she was trespassing and wouldn't leave our apartment.
  • Sat in front of our house revving the engine for 45 minutes one night. Finally, one of the neighbors told her to cut it the fuck out.
  • Listened to Dave Matthews.
  • Tried to convince me that I liked Dave Matthews. Bought me tickets for my birthday. (I went and saw one of the funniest moments of my life. Naked chick on a dude's shoulders—a minute after the chick removed her shirt she threw up on herself and her boyfriend while on his shoulders—hilarious.)
  • Cried like a dying cow. WORST cryer ever. Really, you've never heard anything like this girl.
  • Tried to forbid me once from going to a concert until she had her period later that night.
  • Called my parent's once and told them I was suicidal. I've never been suicidal.
  • And the cou de grace. Called my parents, left a message on their answering machine that she was pregnant. My parents heard it and of course freaked out. Turns out, she was not pregnant. She was, again, anorexic/bulimic and didn't have a period because she was way under weight. When I finally got hold of her 12 HOURS LATER, she was drunk. BLASTED. I asked her if she was 100% sure she was pregnant, she said she didn't know. I asked if she'd taken a pregnancy test. She had not because she was too drunk to go get one. 
So why did I stay with this chick? I don't know. It's one of the bigger mysteries of my life.

For all the stupid things she did, it seemed like I was even stupider for staying with her. I think I stayed with her because it was always fun to see what kind of insanity that she would pull next. Hell, my roommates and I still talk about her and its been 15 years.

If nothing else, I got a blog post out of it. And I did move to Chicago to spite her, to get away from her and to prove YOU CAN'T GET RAPED IN CHICAGO. Suck it psycho.


  1. Dude. That's one crazy bitch. I feel positively sane in comparison.

  2. I need to hear more of these stories...Could you have stayed with her because the sex was good? I mean seriously, if the sex wasn't good there is no reason for the insanity!

  3. Dave Matthews? What a crazy lunatic!

  4. I can vouch for the stories. TOTAL. NUT. JOB. She'd stop by our apartment all the time when he wasn't home and ask where he was. First, I'd say she was at the library. Then she figured out he didn't go there. Then I started telling her he was at a steakhouse. I knew there was no way in hell she was going to one of those places.