Thursday, August 2, 2012

What is that coming out of my penis?

Sometimes things just don't make sense.

Was the author going for "Penis" and mis-stroked a letter? Or does he just have shittttttty, "N" to "I" transitions? Or is "Pems" the nickname for his junk?

Maybe it's a cute little abbreviation, sorry an "abbrevs", for his cock.

Speaking of abbrevs, I hate this shit. Out of nowhere, people—ahem females—are unnecessarily abbreviating words.

While I don't think any of the females reading this blog are responsible for the proliferation of this movement, I have to warn you. I am going to make a bunch of grand sweeping statements in the following paragraphs about females and this fad.

I am only making them about females because, no male has yet to approach me and say:

"Oh, I had Qdobes for lunch."

"Oh, I had Qdoba for lunch." 

Qdobes? You didn't even actually "abbrevs" the name of the restaurant. You actually made it longer! Did you need to cute up Qdoba? It's already a pretty cute word. Could you not handle the fact that you just face planted into a 1300 calorie burrito? Does Qdobes have an application process, because you should fill it out. I see in your future a job as tortilla warmer.

No guy has also ever said to me:
"You should totes do that."

"You should totally do that."

I enjoy the English language and I abuse it daily, but saying this to anyone makes you sound like a Danish sailor with a hairlip. At some point you will get punched in the face if you utter this phrase. Somebody somewhere will have had enough of you talking about your My Little Pony collection and how you haven't had to poop in three weeks, you will utter this phrase and you will get punched in the face. $5. This is happening.

Final example:
"I love Grey's Anatomy, that one doctor is so adorbs."

"I still watch Grey's Anatomy because it's the only thing that I can pick up in my trailer park and I totally have every copy of every magazine 'that one doctor' has been in. I also masturbate to them."

I realize the translation here is a little longer, but using adorbs in this instance really is a space saver. It also makes you like a maniac who wears Bugles on your fingers so you can scratch your three cats backs.

So maybe "abbrevs" does have a use? It's a good guide for cutting the lunatics out of your life.


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