Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Our machine overlords vs. our lords.

"The Gods shall liberate us from the machines."

Okay, I think this is French, however I do not know French. 

I did a Google search and this is as close as I could get to a translation. Google Translate was useless oddly enough. Of course I could be really, really wrong. But for the sake of me having something to write about today, let's go with this translation.

I seriously doubt the Gods could or would want to free us from the machines. Ultimately, this would mean they would have to give them up too. Right? Because, at this point, our Gods are just as addicted to technology as we are.

If they shutdown Ma Bell, how in the hell are Zeus, Jesus Christ and Chalchihuitlicue going to group message one another? They're not going back to string and tin cans for interstellar communication.

You're telling me Athena is up there using an abacus and a clothes line to balance the checkbook and dry her clothes? Bullshit. She's got a Kenmore washer and dryer and an MIT Asian graduate student to help her with her checkbook. (Hey, at this point, Asians might as well plug-in and be rechargeable, because Americans suck at math.)

You think Ganesh is waiting on an oven to preheat for a slice of warm pot roast? Hell no, he's got a top of the line convection microwave. 

So you say these Gods aren't real or aren't as important as "God"? That "they" can use technology but our one true overlord would never do such a thing? Well let's look at what he's up to with his Radio Shack credit card. 

For a person that is supposed to be all knowing tell me how he does it if he isn't using security cam feeds to spy on us picking our noses in traffic, murdering hobos behind Wendy's dumpsters and stripping naked to try on bras at Victoria's Secret? 

Sure, back in the day when it was just Adam and Eve, he had no problem keeping an eye on them. I mean there were two of them. The fucking Duggar's watch what, like 30 kids at once? But anything past say 100 people has to necessitate some type of live feed, video monitoring system with a team of angels watching 24/7. He can't keep track of us all by himself, I mean I can't keep track of a 12 pack of socks.

You think God doesn't have a Hi-Def TV? You think he doesn't want to watch the waves he sends destroy entire seaside cities so he can have a good giggle? Or that he doesn't want to see every detail of the flies on the faces of starving African children? Oh and what about porn? I mean porn in HD has to be the coup de grâce for him—he gets to see his greatest creation from an asshole camera get rammed for 25 minutes before a backside splash zone occurs.

Also, if God isn't using technology, then why in the world are there constantly better iPhones coming out? Dang white bearded perfectionist.

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