Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The things you learn at 3 a.m.

Over the years I've learned a lot at 3 in the morning. Way more than anybody probably should. Way too much to reveal every detail. So instead, here are few valuable lessons, feel free to add your own in the comments section:
  •  If you run "slightly" drunk from the cops into a Catholic church and yell, "Sanctuary". This doesn't absolve you from still receiving a thorough thrashing from said cops.
  • If you end up on a beach chances are you're going to end up with sand in the lip or the fold of something. And it will be painful.
  • If you ever have the chance to drink straight from a Slurpee machine in front of police officers, always take the risk.
  • If you have the chance to steal an unattended Pop-a-Shot, do so.
  • It's time to go home when you're a straight male and you get a blowjob offer from a dude in giant circus tent.

All of these things pale in comparison to what I learned a mere 36 hours ago.

Having completed a client presentation around 2 a.m. in the suburbs of Atlanta, a co-worker and I ventured to Kinko's for printing and binding. Kinko's at 3 in the morning is either full of burned out college students who smell of puke, booze and the 6 year plan or homeless people who use the internet to jerk it to asian dwarf porn. It's always a mixed bag. And that mixed bag is always full of dog shit.

Having dropped off the files and told we would have to wait a half hour. My co-worker and I decided to head to the closest gas station for random nitrate enriched treats. Walking in, the scent of the rolling hot dog/taquito rollers had me hooked. I never eat hot dogs. Haven't had one for almost 20 years. Taquitos, I could eat taquitos in my sleep, in the car, on the toilet, in a blimp, etc., etc., etc.

Stepping up to the taquito rolling roller, a co-worker was cleaning off the hot dog scum. And then she said the words I'll take to my grave, "Don't cho eat them taquitos, we're gonna throw dem out." I asked of course why, oh why would you throw away the culinary treat of Shakira's homeland? 

"See when thay stop rolling, dat means it's time to tho dem away."

Yes friends. Never eat the non-rolling taquitos. 

This also means the faster they roll, the fresher they are.

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