Friday, November 11, 2011
Katherine Heigl is Awful.
Look, this isn't going to be the manliest post I've ever made, but here we go.
I hate Katherine Heigl. She makes shitty movies that some how, some morons pony up $10 to watch. I don't know any of these people. And if you're reading this post, chances are you don't know any of these people either. Nobody does.
Who the hell are these people?
My best guess is some where an orderly is loading up a short bus full of individuals who have their names attached to their shirts on colorful scraps of construction paper and an "if lost, return to" card in their pocket.
The first three times I saw Katherine Heigl, I thought "Shit, Charlize Theron looks like shit!"
That's right Katherine Heigl made me utter a double "shit" sentence.
Her movies usually center around her being some type of love lorn female trapped in world where she's super competitive and trying to have it all. Or she wants to bone some dude, but she doesn't want to admit that she wants to bone that dude because it would mean some how it goes against some law of nature that nobody abides by. Fuck, what am I talking about, that's the same damn movie. That's all of her movies.
Have I seen any of her movies. Yes. One. Can I tell you the name of it? No. But it was probably something like "The Crazy Things We Do To Bone Dudes That We Don't Want To Bone But Should Probably Bone Anyway, Oops."
I don't need to see her movies. I can't. Just the trailers cause my mouth to fill with a lactic bile. Plus, they're all the same. Don't believe me? Well.... I looked up her next movie.
It's called, "One for the Money." Here's the description, "Unemployed and newly-divorced Stephanie Plum lands a job at her cousin's bail-bond business, where her first assignment puts her on the trail of a wanted local cop from her romantic past."
Guess who she's gonna bone? Oh wait, she already apparently boned the cop she's chasing. So, I'm going to guess she catches him, fondles his junk and they both run off to South America where they raise pygmy goats and keep the chickens awake with the sound of her rumbling uterus and her quest to be the best South American TV news reporter and crêpe chef.
Katherine Heigl, you're awful.