Kentucky Derby Port-o-Potty Reminder

As the decadence and depravity descends on Derby City, let me issue a simple reminder to all who are attending or are thinking of attending this year—Remember to Breathe.

The Kentucky Derby Infield port-o-potty situation is worse than a Vietnam front line trench full of soldiers who've been involved in a month-long stand off. Think about it, where do you think they shit in the middle of a battle? Yeah, it wasn't in woods.

Mix poop, puke, urine with the mud that will be quicksanding patrons this year and you one disgusting soup.

Also you have these jackasses...

Don't get me wrong, I love the Derby and I think Port-o-Potty Racing is funny. It's one of the purest sports left on the planet, (yes, I know all the horses are on roids and not just any roids, horse steroids, the kind Barry Bonds injected). But at 34, my knees, nerves and mind can no longer put up with the puddles of fecal matter and frat boys that invade this annual event.

Which is a shame. Because who doesn't love paying $8 for a Coors Light and watching for an errant breast baring.

Frankly for $8, EVERY Coors Light should come with a nip slip. Strip joints don't even have the nerve to charge $8 for Colorado swamp water.

Anyway, if you're heading out, here are some tips for surviving the Kentucky Derby:

• Buy some boots. Sandals, flip flops and tennis shoes will fall victim to the mud pit that the infield will become. Seriously, you'll be standing in shit (figuratively and literally) for 2/3rds of the day and need to wear something that will defend you from fecal foot.
• Don't look down. Port-o-potties are the Devil's Playground. Chances are at some point, some sick fuck has tried to use a turd as lipstick or as a Sharpie. The less you know about what's going on below your line of sight, the better.
• Drink. Yes, you'll spend more cash than a fleet of executives on a Vegas business meeting, but it's essential to enjoying the fact that you'll only see a real horse once the entire day.
• Smuggling in liquor. It's a must and it's totally possible. I'm not giving away any secrets but let's just say, false bottom coolers are easier to make than you think. Get out the E-xacto.

And remember to breathe. Take one big gasp before you head into the Port-o-Potty and watch out for Port-o-Potty Racers.