I HATE EVERYTHING

It's no secret, I hate a lot of things—children, babies, near-strangers hugging me, cheap flip flops, anything made by Budweiser, cabbage, the country of Italy (it's mutual, so this is okay), Zimmer & Kohl contractors, Celine Dion, abbrevs, hollow Easter bunnies, that "snooty section of town", racists, Mexicans, homeless people who really aren't homeless, midgets who refuse to wear costumes daily (come on, you're already so small and we're already laughing at you anyway, go ahead and put on a lion costume), Minnie Driver, Andie Mac Dowell, Reeboks (have always thought they sounded like a synonym for vomit—"I just Reebok'd that corndog from lunch."), Gregory and Appel Insurance, Discovery Benefits, etc.

But as I woke up this morning, I realized there was one more thing to add to my list—hotel rooms.

Everybody has a different bitch against hotels. Most center around the level of cleanliness or the level of ejac smeared on everything in the room or discourteous staff.

None of these are mine.

Cleanliness is cleanliness. I found a half eaten rotisserie chicken under my bed in St. Louis one time—and this was after I had already spent the night in this hotel room. Was I mad? No. And now I can tell everybody I found a half eaten rotisserie chicken under my bed. Who else can say this?

As for the level of ejac on the pillowcase, pillowcase, nightstand, alarm clock and evvvvvvverything else—eh. Who cares? The world is covered in jizz. Anytime we stay at a hotel we just happen to be sleeping in the Hall of Fame of Spunk. Consider yourself lucky. If you're in a hotel room right now, you could be rolling around in Giovanni Ribisi's ejaculation. He was good in that one movie.

The staff is the staff. You put a bunch of high school dropout lunkhead whippet do'ers together in one facility and you're lucky if it doesn't turn into a prison.

My complaints against hotels are in the following areas:

The Decor
All hotels today look like they were decorated by the same unimaginative white man. Beige walls, non-descript everything, fake plants, paintings that nobody would ever hang up in there home except white folks, etc.

This needs to change.

One time I stayed in a hotel shaped like an abstract turkey. It was circular. It was odd. It was awesome.

Why don't more hotels do this? Yes, they can claim cost and blah, blah, blah. Shut up.

Make me a hotel where each of the rooms has a theme. Go over to the non-white sections of town and do some damn shopping. I want to stay in the "El Paso Suite". I want stay in a room where the only thing separating the bedroom and the bathroom is a beaded curtain. I want to look fondly at little brown people statues riding donkeys and pricking their fingers on cactuses on my damn coffee table. I need to see Aztec wallpaper border on the walls and sombrero ashtrays on my nightstand.

Get me some velvet paintings, some mirrored Scarface mirrors, some phones that look like giant lips and white furniture trimmed in gold beading.

I'm the traveler, you owe me some entertainment dammit.

The Pillows
Too soft? Too firm? No. My problem is too many.

Every hotel now has 30 on the fucking bed. You can spend money providing us with 29 pillows we're never going to use, but I make a request for some mirrored tiles on the ceiling and you scoff?

How about this—just have a vending machine in the lobby that works with your keycard. You use your card to select the two pillows you want—D1 Soft, B4 Semi-firm. Two. That's all you get. No more. You want more? Go sleep in a fucking Sears.

The other solution here is dragging your pillow from home. Right.

The car ride alone would rob me of whatever safety and comfort I would have bringing my pillow. Odds are I would be taking it in a rental car that has either had children (grubby little germbags), old people (shitty big germbags) or the morbidly, morbidly obese (they all masturbate when they drive) in it.

No thanks.

The Shower
I want hot water that is going to scald my skin off. I want my back to look like I've been in a mobile park meth fire.

I think every hotel has to, by some stupid ordinance, limit the temperature of their water to, "The temperature of a grown man urinating on me."

Fuck your tiny soaps, let's work on getting the temperature up to "The temperature of Satan urinating on me."

The Lamps
Just quit. I am in a hotel room this very minute with six lamps. SIX! Why?

Who is going to a hotel room these days and setting a mood? Are we making out in our high school girlfriend's basement? Where is the Dave Matthews button? Will she enjoy this strawberry truck stop condom I picked up? Shit, I hear her dad.

I can never figure out how to turn these lamps on. Is there a wall switch? Is there a knob I'm supposed to turn? While I'm trying to figure them out, I've stubbed a toe and dropped the beer I'm trying to keep cool in the undersized ice bucket. (Just give us coolers already.)

And the lamps that have the plug-ins for your cellphone or laptop. Fuck these. 9 times out of 10, I plug something into them to charge. Only to forget you have to turn on the lamp in order to get that cell phone, iPad, iPhone to charge.

To paraphrase Brick Tamland, "I hate lamp." And while we're at it, "I hate hotel."

Zimmer & Kohl Contractors Lose Their Better Business Bureau Accreditation

Nearly a year to the day since I first heard the name Zimmer & Kohl Contractors, aka Satan's Inbred Basement Construction Crew and Perpetual Liars Co., I learned they lost their Better Business Bureau accreditation and their rating has dropped from an "A" to a "C-". While an F- would be more appropriate, I am filled with great satisfaction knowing that this company is no longer endorsed by the BBB.

While the BBB stamp of approval has lost some of its luster thanks to the internet, message boards, Angie's List and tons of other social media outlets, it's still a pretty big deal. Search engine results, still list the BBB reviews and complaints near the top. And they are a fairly big piece of our community as far a being watch dogs go.

Anyway, the most recent story of assholery from Zimmer & Kohl involves them lying and trying to cheat a Disabled Veteran out of money and just being all around dicks to him and his family. Read more about it here, under the 3/13/2012 complaint.

It's shameful.

While Hachem Riahl or Bin Othman, who knows what his real name is, continues to lie and cheat customers, here's to hoping a few less people will be tricked by this deceitful, corrupt individual and his equally disgraceful company.

Bin, I hope the next time you tangle with a Veteran, he pulls out his service rifle and fires off a round or two.

Don't use Zimmer & Kohl Contractors! You will regret it.

I see you, asshole!

I'm pissed.

Usually I have something to rant about. Today, I'm pissed because I don't.

I can't rant about the weather. It's supposed to be 65 today. In Kentucky. In JANUARY!!!

I can't rant about work. Besides it not being professional—says the 34 year old wearing neon green and yellow tennis shoes—too many people I work with, follow me here. Including somebody in HR. I don't want this ending up in my permanent record. I'll wait for my exit interview to show up not wearing pants and ranting about X, Y & Z. (I'm not planning on having this interview any time in the near future, please take note HR.)

I can't rant about Oasis, because as far as I know, both of the Gallagher's new bands flopped. I should actually crack open a bottle.

I could rant about how my mother in-law tried to poison me twice last week—once with a jar of 8 year old expired salsa and once with a 1 year old expired mayo based salad dressing—and how she gave me a pair of women's socks for Christmas and THAT'S ABOUT IT! But an entire post about that would just be too much.

I can't rant about the 1996 Jeep Cherokee. It seems to be running fine. I say this and this afternoon, it will probably explode. (If you like to gamble, the odds are currently 7 to 1 on this happening today, place your bet by posting in the comments section. This actually gives me the idea to start a Jeep Cherokee Death Pool. Everybody pick a month.)

I can't rant about the 7 gas leaks they found in my house this week. Usually this would have cost me hundreds. But the city fixed it for free? What the hell?

I can't rant about taxes, money or politics. That's not the purpose of this blog, nor do I have an interest in wasting my time with bullshit. I'd rather talk about how the morbidly obese person in line behind me this morning ordered two double ham & cheese omelets. Better yet, she ordered it from a chef in a Humana building. That's right. A HEALTHCARE COMPANY serves it's morbidly obese, we're talking 400+ pounds, double cheese and double ham omelets.

I can't rant about how my dog likes to eat cat shit. This actually saves me money. It means one more day I don't have to scoop the box.

I can't rant about what I did or didn't get for Christmas. That's just petty.

I can't rant about Zimmer & Kohl. Because their BBB rating has dropped like a stone and more pissed off customers are posting on Google places about how shitty they are. Huzzah!

I can't rant about music. I've found some great new stuff this week—Mansions, The One AM Radio and a crazy, overlooked Junior Kimbrough record.

So what I can rant about is not having anything to rant about. Usually these little rants are what gets me fired up, inspired and helps me get through the day. It also allows me to poke fun at how stupid we are as humans. Stupid enough to post an entoire blog entry about not having anything to rant about.

Yo Momma Got Rubber Nipples

Sorry for the long lay off between posts.

Also sorry for the Zimmer and Kohl Construction rant. While I expected nothing done about the situation, I did contact the Louisville Better Business Bureau. Even they, won't do anything about it, not even revoke their BBB status—even though mine was the 6th complaint filed against them this year. Thanks Louisville Better Business Bureau, you're on my list of places to throw flaming bags of poop at.

Anyway, we're back and back with "Your momma's rubber nipples."

I'm not sure if rubber nipples is really an insult or not. On one hand, nipples are already kind of rubbery. If somebody's did have rubber implants would that be the worst thing? Sure they'd look odd, but people are doing a lot weirder things out there.

For example...

I watched John Waters at Bonnaroo this year discuss several really bizarre sexual fetishes. The oddest was men who replace the skin of their testicles with a clear plastic material so their partners can watch the production of sperm, kind of like a really perverted fish tank.

So, while this may have been an insult at one point, this is probably a sexual fetish now.

Thanks go to Lauren Collins for snagging this one. (What kind of bathrooms are you going to?)

Zimmer and Kohl Contractors are the DEVIL!!!!!!

I don't normally use this blog for personal problems but one of the main reasons I haven't posted lately is we've been dealing with a company to repair our basement. It hasn't gone well.

Before I begin this rant, let's imagine if Satan ran a company.

Here would be their operation guidelines:
1. Be late for appointments OR don't show up at all.
2. Make them move all their furniture the night before a job, then don't show up for the job and then laugh at them.
3. Swear at customers, get angry with them and call them liars.
4. Make sure your tactics put a strain on marriages.
5. Lie. Lie often. Lie well. Lie until you're out of lies.
666. Gouge them on prices. Quote them something really low so they take the bait, the screw them over at the last minute so they have no choice but to pay you more money.

These are just a few of the things Satan would do with a company. Oh wait he did!

He has risen from the depths of Hell to take the reigns of Zimmer and Kohl Contracting!

His anger for being locked in such a deep dark pit for all these years is now flowing through the streets of Louisville to innocent people who just want work done on their house.

Here's my story with these cretins. These deeply evil, cash hungry wicked beasts.

In April, our basement flooded. So my wife and I went through the process of getting bids from several companies. One of those companies was Zimmer & Kohl Contracting aka Satan's Construction Crew. I wish we would have never, never, never done this.

Their bid was the lowest of the five we received. When we asked why they came in lower than the other bids, we were told it was because they worked in volume and that's how they could keep the prices low.

This sounded legit to my wife and I, but just in case we put back some extra money to cover any additions to the estimate that might occur after the job was completed. They took our check and vanished like a ghost.

So after fighting for over two weeks to get on the schedule and getting anybody to call us back, we finally got on the calendar for May 24th. When May 24th arrived, we were told they needed to come back to our house to measure. Which was odd because they had been to our house 3 times already and had measured twice. Is Hell on the metric system? We thought that must be why they kept coming back to measure. It's a difficult system to master.



At this point I'd taken off 3 days worth of work for them. They'd missed two appointments now.

So we called and they said they would send out their contractor "Bin". Great, some progress—or at least that's what the devil would make you think. (P.S. This Bin fellow is apparently a wanted criminal. NICE TO KNOW NOW!)

When he did arrive at my house, he was visibly angry. He stormed into my house, brushed past my wife and in a tone that can only be described as furious Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men, began berating me. "So you have the tile? Where are the supplies? We're not supplying that! No! No! No! You are wrong!"

My response was no, because the estimate included the tile. He told me "no you're wrong." I said, "No, I'm not." At this point I produced the estimate, which LINE 1 of the estimate said they, Zimmer and Kohl, would provide and install all materials.

He then told me there was no way he could do the job for the price on the estimate. I asked how could he suddenly could come to this conclusion when he'd had the estimate for 5 weeks. He said, the person who did the estimate didn't know what they were doing and they should be fired. (Coincidentally, the guy who did the estimate was the nicest person we dealt with and I honestly feel bad for him.)

Bin then filled out a check for the deposit we had given Zimmer & Kohl Contracting, threw it at my wife and I, slammed the door, saying, "I took time out of my schedule to come out here, I don't need this!"


This outburst was also followed by some mumbled swearing.

So after calming down, I called the person who had done our estimate. He apologized and worked with Zimmer and Kohl to come up with a new price. He produced one for about $3000 more than the original price. Which my wife and I agreed too, this was our own fault for doing this. But like I said earlier, we had put aside money in case of overages, and this was honestly about what we thought they would be based on the other estimates we had received.

So we scheduled a date with the guise that we wouldn't have to deal with Bin again after his outrageous behavior. Who walks into somebody else's home and disrespects them like this? They agreed and were supposed to come out to our house so we could sign the new estimate on May 28th.

I then receive a call from them on the 28th telling me that the front office had kicked back the 2nd estimate and had assigned a new dollar figure to it. This estimate was for $10,000 above the initial estimate. How the hell do we go to MORE than double the job in two days?

Is the Zimmer and Kohl on the Canadian Monetary system?

At this point I had to walk away.

Now, I sit in my house which has all the furniture that was in the basement crammed into our living room, hallway, extra bedroom and sun room. Our house is maze because we moved everything out of our basement because they were supposed to be here to do the work. So instead of having a completed basement, I have an empty hole and a garage full of old carpet that they were supposed to hall away.

Of all the horror stories you hear about slimy, underhanded, greedy contractors and construction companies, Zimmer and Kohl fit them to a "T". Seriously, they are a walking cliché. They did nothing right in this entire process. And here I sit with a house that I have to navigate with  map and hatchet and a garage full of moldy carpet.

Stay away from Zimmer & Kohl Contracting. I'm not sure how a company that's been in business for over 40 years can survive with rude, pompous employees like Bin.

Tell your friends fellow readers. These guys are just evil. I could have had my basement repaired 3 times in the amount of time it has taken for this situation to get remedied.

Enough.