Be Happy? My Ass!

The sign says the opposite of what I'm thinking.

What is there to be happy about?

Here are some things that make me pissed right now.

1. Space AIDS—Yeah. That's right, AIDS isn't just coming from junkies and anal sex between gay men and well, I mean, those are the only places it comes from right? I mean heterosexuals spreading normal AIDS? Bullshit!

But back to the Space AIDS.

Aliens are now coming down to earth and injecting us all with this super genetic altering disease. Common symptoms are pants shitting, facial donuts, sleeping and cast iron skillet finger—it's horrible, your finger gets all rusty and cornbread sticks to it.

2. Summer Music Festivals—Oh. Fuck. Here come the hippies. Got dang jam bands are coming into town to steal your beach balls, smoke your ground weeds and rape your grandma. Looks like it's time to put the chastity belt back on Nana.

3. Shirt stink—I've had a shirt for 16 years. I feel as though this shirt should not immediately omit a rank odor every time I sweat at the gym. Fuck this shirt. And fuck you Nike for making a shirt that can last 20 years without smelling like a 13 year old boy's jizz sock collection.

4. The Hostess Collapse—How the fuck are our kids gonna get fat now? No Twinkies. No Ho-ho's. No Ding-Dongs.

Do they really think that somebody is going to eat Little Debbie's? That shit ain't legit. Fuck. This country has one thing left to hang our hat on—FAT PEOPLE.

We excel at big fat, fatties, lardos and adults with jowls. Without Hostess, we are removing a key piece of the puzzle to our dominance.

Get your shit together Hostess and the people trying to buy this shitting, defunct abortion.

5. Mexicans. You know who you are.

6. That fuck that wears scrubs to the gym—Oh look at me, I'm a male nurse. I have a shitty ass thin beard and I workout. Fuck you. I workout too and I don't buy my clothes at Wal-green's. I also don't bring my coughed on, spit on, anal leakage stained scrubs to the gym.

7. Good beer—Where do you get off brewers? Fucking making things that make me wanna drink them? I remember when the best beer available to us was Killian's. And that shit is rank. Tastes like an old sock soaked in a gravel piss pit. IPAs? More like FUCKPAs.

8. Old people—Today I flew 11 hours. From Louisville, Kentucky to Pasco, Washington. On each  plane I experienced multiple things that pissed me off about old people. First, you're slow. Two, you have weird odors. One guy smelled like he had been snacking in the liter box—cat turd breath to the max. Three, I think you all have some kind of weird secret society where you plot ways to piss off people younger than you. Like taking forever to order at Panda Express, wearing khakis that haven't been washed since the 1986 Mets vs. Red Sox World Series and just "pancaking"—this is what I now call it when old people fall and break their hips.

9. Ash Trays—Where have they all gone? I don't smoke.

10. Ronald Reagan—Just go die already. What are you 104?

Be happy. Suck my balls happiness. You're what's wrong with this world.

A Good Ole Fashioned Friday Tit Ramble

The second weekend of the week is upon us. Can't remember the last time a holiday fell in the middle of the week, had the day off and then had to come back to work for two days. Odd.

Okay, I love a good tit. I don't know if there are many people out there who can't appreciate one or two. Gay, straight, from Zimbabwe, I don't know anybody who doesn't either love tits or can't at least say, "well those are nice," "oh look, those are perky" or "i wish mine looked like that."

Unlike the male undercarriage, tits and the female body are more widely perceived as objects of beauty. Male bodies are generally hairy, disgusting piles of weirdness with objects that look like they were taped on by a drunk 3 year old with some crazy glue and a pair of scissors.

I think God spent millions of years crafting woman in his mind and when it came around to creating man, he just kinda handed this assignment off to his mentally challenged brother Gary. I don't know if I buy this whole rib from a man thing. I think God's trying to cover up Gary's failed attempt at creating a life form. This is also why Gary now works in the aquarium section at a Wal-Mart in El Paso.

This all said, breast feeding in public just creeps me out. Two weeks ago, I had to get some papers notarized. I went to my local UPS store, did the deed and walked out. When I did, I walked right into full bore tit action.

Don't believe me. Take a look below.

(Yes, I'm the creepy guy taking picture of the ladies of Louisville breastfeeding in public from a vehicle that looks like it just fell out of a rape cave.)

Now image seeing this from about 2 feet away.

Freaked my shit out.

Do you look? Do you ignore it? Do you ask for the leftovers? What is the right thing to do in this situation? 


This happened to me once before at a party. Hanging out in a friend's backyard, a guest I didn't know, just took a titty out. I mean just wham, bam, OUT! Then she proceeded to cover it up 15 to 20 seconds later with a Hooter Hider. Well, what's the fucking point? We've all seen your milk engorged boob now?


My real question is, who does this? Who just pops a titty out in public to feed a child? If you didn't have a child, you'd never just whip out a tit unless Girls Gone Wild or beads are involved. What makes breast feeding in public, while not covering up, okay?

Anybody?

Zimmer & Kohl Contractors Lose Their Better Business Bureau Accreditation

Nearly a year to the day since I first heard the name Zimmer & Kohl Contractors, aka Satan's Inbred Basement Construction Crew and Perpetual Liars Co., I learned they lost their Better Business Bureau accreditation and their rating has dropped from an "A" to a "C-". While an F- would be more appropriate, I am filled with great satisfaction knowing that this company is no longer endorsed by the BBB.

While the BBB stamp of approval has lost some of its luster thanks to the internet, message boards, Angie's List and tons of other social media outlets, it's still a pretty big deal. Search engine results, still list the BBB reviews and complaints near the top. And they are a fairly big piece of our community as far a being watch dogs go.

Anyway, the most recent story of assholery from Zimmer & Kohl involves them lying and trying to cheat a Disabled Veteran out of money and just being all around dicks to him and his family. Read more about it here, under the 3/13/2012 complaint.

It's shameful.

While Hachem Riahl or Bin Othman, who knows what his real name is, continues to lie and cheat customers, here's to hoping a few less people will be tricked by this deceitful, corrupt individual and his equally disgraceful company.

Bin, I hope the next time you tangle with a Veteran, he pulls out his service rifle and fires off a round or two.

Don't use Zimmer & Kohl Contractors! You will regret it.

Whoever messes up.

99% of the photos on this blog come from bathrooms. It's kind of the theme of this blog.

Today's photo comes from the abandoned ice factory I work across the street from.

A couple of weeks ago, somebody threw a brick through the glass front door. So instead of letting the opportunity to trespass go by the wayside, I dove in.

The whole thing was creepy and cavernous. There were rooms with 30 foot ceilings and freezers the size of houses—which is where I found this sign.

Apparently Ron doesn't like people messing up.

Mag Bar Day #3

Day #3 of Shit Talking's week tribute to Louisville's Magnolia Bar bathroom, aka The Mag Bar.

How do I even get close to describing today's Shit Talking photo? I really don't think I can but I'll give it a try.

1. "Danny is awesome as Pie." Danny, I don't know you sir, but that fact that you have been compared to one of the things that makes this country great just elevated your status in my book. You have a long way to go before you reach, "Danny is as fucking great as cake" but you're on your way.

2. "Change the world—eat a fart." I'm gonna pass. I fear the taste and also some type of "pink throat" illness which I'm gonna guess could be really itchy like pink eye.

I'm not sure how this would change the world either, since millions of people are already doing this on public transportation as we speak.

3. "Barack 'Barry' Obama". Well I now have a new way to address the president. Fucking Barry. Barry is awesome. Way better than Barack. I dare you tell me one Barry you know who isn't the coolest guy in the room.

Alright, keep it black America and don't go back.

Is there a better sentiment?

One of the fun things about Shit Talking is the examination of the English language—and not just the misspellings.

The words expressed at the point the pen hits the wall is amazing to me.

To me, I can use this statement in 3 ways.
1. In a joking manner.
2. As a serious, get the fuck out of my way, I'm pissed at you.
3. As a defensive maneuver.

In this context—inside a Germantown bar in Louisville, Kentucky—I wonder if this sentiment was expressed as:
1. A joke/response to all the graffiti in the bathroom?
2. Was the author of this pissed his piece was covered up?
3. Was the author pissed because he found a pube in his beer?

Whichever it is, I love it.

Happy Thursday and Fuck All Y'all Muther Fuckers

While I'm out of town...

While I'm off to a wedding in the Wilds of Wisconsin this weekend on the wings of midWESTERN jet. I leave you with some advice.

Take heed. This city will kill you.

Tubs of Lard

Today's lovely Shit Talking poem comes from Mr. Davis.

To paraphrase the story, Mr. Davis and the company he works for are moving into an old building on main street in Louisville. On the first floor was a business that after 135 years finally closed its doors. The top floors had been abandoned for years.

The owners of the old business, Paul and John, who were apparently gassy and rotund, fired a couple of employees. However, Paul and John told the employees they could continue to work until the end of the week. The employees, fans of Slayer and poetry, proceeded to trash the abandoned top floors.

The name of the business has been omitted. But you can probably figure out which one it is with some googlin'.

Keep the submissions coming!