Wash Your Butt!

Well here's some good advice for a Friday.

You don't want to be all stinky if you're gettttttttting it ahhhh-nnnah this weekend!

Next week I promise, more ambition with these posts.

Cokeheads Get Things Done!

It's Thursday. And I need cocaine.

With a mountain of a month to climb, a coke habit might not be a bad thing to pick up.

I'd add more to this post but I've never known a cokehead, nor have I ingested yayo.

Maybe I'll just settle for a short walk and some tea.

Here's to Crocs and Condoms

Usually, I go on and on with long-winded copy about whatever I post.

Today however, the picture says it all... "Here's to Crocks and Condoms, 2 Things I'll Never Wear."

Just perfect. Enjoy your summer day of shoeless banging.

Even though "Crocks" is misspelled.

People Like Shit.

Amy Wathen grabbed this at a Bearno's Pizza. 


At first, I had no idea what "Like a G6" meant. Come to find out it's the song they play while they're  waterboarding prisoners at Guantanamo. Since I'd never heard this sonic ice pick, onwards to the YouTube I went...

If you've watched the video above or even if you didn't, let's talk about the levels of horror this musical bag of flaming dog poop creates:

• The song is supposed to be about a G6 private jet. Only problem, there is no G6 private jet, there is a G4, there is also a Pontiac G6 car, which looks like this:

(Believe it or not, this is how they come direct from the factory.)

• 70 million people have watched this thing. 70 million! That means 1 out of every 5 people you know has seen it and is certifiably, mentally defective. 70 million people is roughly the same number of people that were wiped off the face of the earth in WWII—that's entire countries! That's MORE THAN the combined population of New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, Dallas, San Jose, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, San Francisco, Austin, Columbus, Fort Worth, Charlotte, Detroit, El Paso, Memphis, Baltimore, Boston, Seattle, Washington, Nashville, Denver, Louisville, Milwaukee, Portland, Las Vegas, Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Tucson, Fresno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Kansas City, Mesa, Virginia Beach, Atlanta, Colorado Springs, Omaha, Raleigh, Miami, Cleveland, Tulsa, Oakland, Minneapolis, Wichita, Arlington, Bakersfield and New Orleans.

• Did they film this video at the old Benihana and the condemned Red Roof Inn? I think I see Hildalga the Mexican/Russian tranny maid in the background breaking it down with a pork chop.

• I notice everybody drinking. Then everybody driving around to get more liquor. Hey, wait a minute, there's no designated driver here! Well this is just illegal.

• This song is not about just drinking, it's clearly about drinking cough syrup. "When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard. Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6." Sizzurp is code for cough syrup and soda. I'm beginning to think the folks at Robitussin have a lucrative deal with some record labels. Pepsi and Coke have washed their hands of music and superstar endorsements, thanks to Madonna having sex with Black Jesus and Kobe Bryant raping everything but a Sprite can. So since mainstream sodas have pulled out of the music biz—insert Robitussin—who gets the chance to have their product glorified, while creating an entirely new revenue stream. Mark it down, it's my new conspiracy theory!

• Are we entirely certain these guys aren't the Black Eyed Peas? The one with the long hair and the mustache looks way too much like Fergie.

• What qualifies Dev to sing anything? How much did she make for this song? Why do I feel like she lives in a nicer house than anybody reading this? Why do I also feel like she'll lose this house in the next month, develop a crack addiction and end up on A&E's Intervention next season? 

All in all, this song and video prove that idiots control record labels, (no shock), 70 million Americans are idiots (also no shock) and Robitussin is gettin' paid son!

So next time you're in a major 'tussin drunk, start humming this tune because the person 5 seats down from you will hum it back.

TiTuesday?

Thanks to Lauren Collins for today's, "What the hell are we looking?"

Cast your vote:

create a free poll on pollsb.com

Yo Momma Got Rubber Nipples

Sorry for the long lay off between posts.

Also sorry for the Zimmer and Kohl Construction rant. While I expected nothing done about the situation, I did contact the Louisville Better Business Bureau. Even they, won't do anything about it, not even revoke their BBB status—even though mine was the 6th complaint filed against them this year. Thanks Louisville Better Business Bureau, you're on my list of places to throw flaming bags of poop at.

Anyway, we're back and back with "Your momma's rubber nipples."

I'm not sure if rubber nipples is really an insult or not. On one hand, nipples are already kind of rubbery. If somebody's did have rubber implants would that be the worst thing? Sure they'd look odd, but people are doing a lot weirder things out there.

For example...

I watched John Waters at Bonnaroo this year discuss several really bizarre sexual fetishes. The oddest was men who replace the skin of their testicles with a clear plastic material so their partners can watch the production of sperm, kind of like a really perverted fish tank.

So, while this may have been an insult at one point, this is probably a sexual fetish now.

Thanks go to Lauren Collins for snagging this one. (What kind of bathrooms are you going to?)

Zimmer and Kohl Contractors are the DEVIL!!!!!!

I don't normally use this blog for personal problems but one of the main reasons I haven't posted lately is we've been dealing with a company to repair our basement. It hasn't gone well.

Before I begin this rant, let's imagine if Satan ran a company.

Here would be their operation guidelines:
1. Be late for appointments OR don't show up at all.
2. Make them move all their furniture the night before a job, then don't show up for the job and then laugh at them.
3. Swear at customers, get angry with them and call them liars.
4. Make sure your tactics put a strain on marriages.
5. Lie. Lie often. Lie well. Lie until you're out of lies.
666. Gouge them on prices. Quote them something really low so they take the bait, the screw them over at the last minute so they have no choice but to pay you more money.

These are just a few of the things Satan would do with a company. Oh wait he did!

He has risen from the depths of Hell to take the reigns of Zimmer and Kohl Contracting!

His anger for being locked in such a deep dark pit for all these years is now flowing through the streets of Louisville to innocent people who just want work done on their house.

Here's my story with these cretins. These deeply evil, cash hungry wicked beasts.

In April, our basement flooded. So my wife and I went through the process of getting bids from several companies. One of those companies was Zimmer & Kohl Contracting aka Satan's Construction Crew. I wish we would have never, never, never done this.

Their bid was the lowest of the five we received. When we asked why they came in lower than the other bids, we were told it was because they worked in volume and that's how they could keep the prices low.

This sounded legit to my wife and I, but just in case we put back some extra money to cover any additions to the estimate that might occur after the job was completed. They took our check and vanished like a ghost.

So after fighting for over two weeks to get on the schedule and getting anybody to call us back, we finally got on the calendar for May 24th. When May 24th arrived, we were told they needed to come back to our house to measure. Which was odd because they had been to our house 3 times already and had measured twice. Is Hell on the metric system? We thought that must be why they kept coming back to measure. It's a difficult system to master.



At this point I'd taken off 3 days worth of work for them. They'd missed two appointments now.

So we called and they said they would send out their contractor "Bin". Great, some progress—or at least that's what the devil would make you think. (P.S. This Bin fellow is apparently a wanted criminal. NICE TO KNOW NOW!)

When he did arrive at my house, he was visibly angry. He stormed into my house, brushed past my wife and in a tone that can only be described as furious Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men, began berating me. "So you have the tile? Where are the supplies? We're not supplying that! No! No! No! You are wrong!"

My response was no, because the estimate included the tile. He told me "no you're wrong." I said, "No, I'm not." At this point I produced the estimate, which LINE 1 of the estimate said they, Zimmer and Kohl, would provide and install all materials.

He then told me there was no way he could do the job for the price on the estimate. I asked how could he suddenly could come to this conclusion when he'd had the estimate for 5 weeks. He said, the person who did the estimate didn't know what they were doing and they should be fired. (Coincidentally, the guy who did the estimate was the nicest person we dealt with and I honestly feel bad for him.)

Bin then filled out a check for the deposit we had given Zimmer & Kohl Contracting, threw it at my wife and I, slammed the door, saying, "I took time out of my schedule to come out here, I don't need this!"


This outburst was also followed by some mumbled swearing.

So after calming down, I called the person who had done our estimate. He apologized and worked with Zimmer and Kohl to come up with a new price. He produced one for about $3000 more than the original price. Which my wife and I agreed too, this was our own fault for doing this. But like I said earlier, we had put aside money in case of overages, and this was honestly about what we thought they would be based on the other estimates we had received.

So we scheduled a date with the guise that we wouldn't have to deal with Bin again after his outrageous behavior. Who walks into somebody else's home and disrespects them like this? They agreed and were supposed to come out to our house so we could sign the new estimate on May 28th.

I then receive a call from them on the 28th telling me that the front office had kicked back the 2nd estimate and had assigned a new dollar figure to it. This estimate was for $10,000 above the initial estimate. How the hell do we go to MORE than double the job in two days?

Is the Zimmer and Kohl on the Canadian Monetary system?

At this point I had to walk away.

Now, I sit in my house which has all the furniture that was in the basement crammed into our living room, hallway, extra bedroom and sun room. Our house is maze because we moved everything out of our basement because they were supposed to be here to do the work. So instead of having a completed basement, I have an empty hole and a garage full of old carpet that they were supposed to hall away.

Of all the horror stories you hear about slimy, underhanded, greedy contractors and construction companies, Zimmer and Kohl fit them to a "T". Seriously, they are a walking cliché. They did nothing right in this entire process. And here I sit with a house that I have to navigate with  map and hatchet and a garage full of moldy carpet.

Stay away from Zimmer & Kohl Contracting. I'm not sure how a company that's been in business for over 40 years can survive with rude, pompous employees like Bin.

Tell your friends fellow readers. These guys are just evil. I could have had my basement repaired 3 times in the amount of time it has taken for this situation to get remedied.

Enough.

RIP Nate Dogg

RIP Nate Dogg. (I have no idea Herbie Miakle is.)

Okay, I'm a little late to the Nate Dogg funeral. Sorry. But after prolonged mourning, I can now pour a little of my 40 oz. out on the curb and pay tribute to one of the key members of the G-Funk Era.

In 1992, like almost every other white male suburbanite between the ages of 13 and 24, I bought a copy of The Chronic. Having parents that were VERY conservative meant this album—that dropped more swears than a drunken George Carlin—got the Anne Frank treatment. I hid this thing in ceiling tiles, mattresses and at one point duct taped it to the back of a toilet tank in an Italian restaurant.

But it was worth it.

Engrossed in the word play, the production and the ability to sound unlike every other rap album previously released is what kept Dr. Dre's album in my CD Walkman™for months. You've got the slow whine of creaky keyboards on nearly every track, long forgotten Parliment samples and an amazing mix of real instruments—which many people don't realize or take for granted. (There's more flute on this record than a Jethro Tull greatest hits collection, go back and listen to it.) Weaving all this together before the use of Pro Tools must have been incredibly arduous.

This album not only introduced us to this unique sound, that would later go on to define a huge transition in rap, it also introduced most of America to Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg and the D.O.C. Before this record Snoop was selling coke and drifting back and forth between prison and gang life. Think about it, can you imagine a world without Snoop Dogg today? He's in Pepsi commercials, he's appeared in over 40 TV shows and movies, and has made 11 records in the 19 years. Not bad for somebody who was once on trial for murder.

While Dre produced one hell of a record, Snoop Dogg was the undeniable star of this record. He has more memorable lines in one song than Dre has on the rest of the album. This was Dre's biggest chance to cash in ever. How much confidence did it take for him to take a chance on an unknown rapper and member of the Crips? Without this record, Snoop would probably be dead. And without Snoop, Dre would be producing Debbie Gibson records in Bangladesh.

And speaking of big, this was also the biggest tribute to weed we'd ever seen. Sure marijuana got it's fair share of repping in hip-hop before this record but Dr. Dre went over the top with it—the physical CD has an enormous pot leaf on it and, again, the album is called "The Chronic"! Counting the weed references would be like counting gravel at a quarry. This album might as well have come with a case of weed lung and a pack of Zig Zags.

To a 14 year old, this record had everything—dirty lyrics, an unmatched swagger, hatin', a handful of hazy, drunk and drug fueled videos, and a sound that didn't fit into anything else in the rap.

So RIP Nate Dogg and RIP G-Funk Era.

Kentucky Derby Port-o-Potty Reminder

As the decadence and depravity descends on Derby City, let me issue a simple reminder to all who are attending or are thinking of attending this year—Remember to Breathe.

The Kentucky Derby Infield port-o-potty situation is worse than a Vietnam front line trench full of soldiers who've been involved in a month-long stand off. Think about it, where do you think they shit in the middle of a battle? Yeah, it wasn't in woods.

Mix poop, puke, urine with the mud that will be quicksanding patrons this year and you one disgusting soup.

Also you have these jackasses...

Don't get me wrong, I love the Derby and I think Port-o-Potty Racing is funny. It's one of the purest sports left on the planet, (yes, I know all the horses are on roids and not just any roids, horse steroids, the kind Barry Bonds injected). But at 34, my knees, nerves and mind can no longer put up with the puddles of fecal matter and frat boys that invade this annual event.

Which is a shame. Because who doesn't love paying $8 for a Coors Light and watching for an errant breast baring.

Frankly for $8, EVERY Coors Light should come with a nip slip. Strip joints don't even have the nerve to charge $8 for Colorado swamp water.

Anyway, if you're heading out, here are some tips for surviving the Kentucky Derby:

• Buy some boots. Sandals, flip flops and tennis shoes will fall victim to the mud pit that the infield will become. Seriously, you'll be standing in shit (figuratively and literally) for 2/3rds of the day and need to wear something that will defend you from fecal foot.
• Don't look down. Port-o-potties are the Devil's Playground. Chances are at some point, some sick fuck has tried to use a turd as lipstick or as a Sharpie. The less you know about what's going on below your line of sight, the better.
• Drink. Yes, you'll spend more cash than a fleet of executives on a Vegas business meeting, but it's essential to enjoying the fact that you'll only see a real horse once the entire day.
• Smuggling in liquor. It's a must and it's totally possible. I'm not giving away any secrets but let's just say, false bottom coolers are easier to make than you think. Get out the E-xacto.

And remember to breathe. Take one big gasp before you head into the Port-o-Potty and watch out for Port-o-Potty Racers.

Whoop Ass Wayne

Will somebody please call this number?  206-333-4004.

Some fool giving you trouble down at the Pic-N-Save?
Got a bully who keeps stealing your shoes?
Want a clown for your kids birthday party, but not just any clown, the kind of clown who can punch parents in the face when they come to pick up their kids?

Call Whoop Ass Wayne. 206-333-4004.

Seriously, will somebody call this number and tell me what Wayne has to say?

In other news. I'm not the only person to find Whoop Ass's graft.

Check out this...

It's from a blog called Philosophy From a Bathroom Wall.

Pretty good stuff. My favorite is this one...

This is actually sad, as the Marlins are one of the worst run organizations in Major League Baseball. At least hold out for Cubs World Series tickets—I know I would.

Here's the link to so more of PFABWs photos.