Ass Eating: The Competition

Today's photo is a reader submission from the Bearded Wizard of Funk—Keith Raines. Ladies watch your labias! This handsome chap shall be invading The Vile this weekend. Call now and schedule your appointment.

With the 4th of July passing and yet another contest of grown men & women deep throating hundreds of hot dogs—I want to start a movement.

First, I want to cancel the hot dog eating competition next year. Sorry Nathan's but we no longer care about your tubes of mismatched beef.

Second, I want to turn Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest into an ass eating competition.

Hot dogs no longer say enough or anything about America really. I know they are supposed to symbolize—well I don't know why this nation takes any pride in eating subpar food that really should be fed to hogs so we can make more subpar food.

How did the hot dog become a symbol of freedom and justice?

Freedom and justice is watching two chicks bang nine dudes while everybody is wearing chicken costumes and the remaining munchkins from the Wizard of Oz jerk off in a corner.

If you were to ask the random American pervert, which is most of the people reading this blog, what is more American today, porn or hot dogs? 20 out of my 23 readers would say porn.

Porn is everywhere these days. The internet, your nightstand, in that box your wife doesn't know about behind your ceramic life size Lionel Richie statue, etc., etc., etc.

So, I say we get the porn industry involved here. They can can provide tons of sponsorship opportunities and hell the asses that will be eaten. The rules will be simple, you have to clean as many assholes to a judges satisfaction in 15 minutes. You may choose a blindfold if you like but, your hands must be tied behind your back at all times. This means you can only use your face to dig in.

At this point, I know what you're thinking, "But those hot dog eaters depend on that competition for money and that's how they buy their children school clothes."

Well just to prove I'm not a heartless, those fine folks are all invited back. Sure. I don't want them to starve, I just want them to eat the assholes of disgusting, worn out, stretched out porn stars instead of eating the lips and assholes from hogs and cows.

Let's get carnivorous!

The things you learn at 3 a.m.

Over the years I've learned a lot at 3 in the morning. Way more than anybody probably should. Way too much to reveal every detail. So instead, here are few valuable lessons, feel free to add your own in the comments section:

•  If you run "slightly" drunk from the cops into a Catholic church and yell, "Sanctuary". This doesn't absolve you from still receiving a thorough thrashing from said cops.
  
• If you end up on a beach chances are you're going to end up with sand in the lip or the fold of something. And it will be painful.
  
• If you ever have the chance to drink straight from a Slurpee machine in front of police officers, always take the risk.
  
• If you have the chance to steal an unattended Pop-a-Shot, do so.
  
• It's time to go home when you're a straight male and you get a blowjob offer from a dude in giant circus tent.

All of these things pale in comparison to what I learned a mere 36 hours ago.

Having completed a client presentation around 2 a.m. in the suburbs of Atlanta, a co-worker and I ventured to Kinko's for printing and binding. Kinko's at 3 in the morning is either full of burned out college students who smell of puke, booze and the 6 year plan or homeless people who use the internet to jerk it to asian dwarf porn. It's always a mixed bag. And that mixed bag is always full of dog shit.

Having dropped off the files and told we would have to wait a half hour. My co-worker and I decided to head to the closest gas station for random nitrate enriched treats. Walking in, the scent of the rolling hot dog/taquito rollers had me hooked. I never eat hot dogs. Haven't had one for almost 20 years. Taquitos, I could eat taquitos in my sleep, in the car, on the toilet, in a blimp, etc., etc., etc.

Stepping up to the taquito rolling roller, a co-worker was cleaning off the hot dog scum. And then she said the words I'll take to my grave, "Don't cho eat them taquitos, we're gonna throw dem out." I asked of course why, oh why would you throw away the culinary treat of Shakira's homeland? 

"See when thay stop rolling, dat means it's time to tho dem away."

Yes friends. Never eat the non-rolling taquitos. 

This also means the faster they roll, the fresher they are.