Suck Mine!

Over the past few months, several large companies have piseed me off.

I dedicate today's post to these ass clowns! I invite each of you to SUCK MINE!

• All-State—Why? My basement floods, it took 173 days for them to pay for the water back up. 173! That's almost 6 months. You're lucky I don't Herman Cain your genitals.
• Zimmer & Kohl Contractors—In the flooding of the basement these contractors screwed us over royally. Swore at us, upped their bid by $10,000 two days AFTER they were supposed to start construction. I've already posted the story here, I can't repeat the whole thing here.
• All-State—Yes, back for the second round. After closing a bank account, you somehow forced the bank to open the account back up and caused us $127 in late fees.
• Arby's—Good Mood Food puts me in Bad Mood Throw Up Mode. I hate this campaign. HATE IT! I don't know what clods at Arby's approved this but these people should be drug out in the street, have headphones strapped on them and have this horrible jingle blared into their ears until they have gone deaf or start bleeding from their eyes. 
• Thrifty Car Rental—45 minutes in line for a car with only 2 people in front of me is toooooo long. How about you hire people that don't smell like they've slept under a bridge for a week? Also hiring people who can type would really fucking help.
• Hampton Inn—Apparently, your hotels are infested with mobs of feral cats as your hotel rooms smell like cat piss.
• Home Depot—This is a fun one. I opened a credit card. Never got a bill. Never got said credit card. Never got an account number. Finally I got a couple of phone calls. Learned they couldn't give me an account number over the phone. So, I went to the store to pay the bill. The store told me I couldn't pay the bill. After 3 phone calls and 20 minutes, a person on the other end of the phone told me she couldn't give me my account number but she could give it to the customer service desk employee. HOW CAN YOU GIVE MY NUMBER TO A COMPLETE STRANGER, BUT YOU CAN"T GIVE IT TO THE ACCOUNT HOLDER?

There's my list. What company would you like to tell to suck it?

Blow Job Week—Thursday

Not sure how to ask for a beeg?

Try this phrase.

No sense in pussyfooting around the issue. It's direct. It's short. It's simple.

How could anybody be possibly offended by this?

Try it out with your favorite prostitute first before you try it out around the house. Just so you can practice the perfect articulation of the phrase and get a few dry runs in. You don't want to bobble the pronunciation and look like some kind of tongue-tied rube.

For instance, where are you going to place the most emphasis? Is it on the "Suck" or the "Mine"?

Do you need to repeat the phrase over and over? Is saying this once to your partner really enough? What if your partner has been eating corn nuts earlier in the day and one is lodged in his/her ear? You wouldn't want them to miss this phrase. Work on your volume. Make sure you project.

What happens if you develop a stutter mid "Suck"? 34 years of no stutter and then one day—BAM—now you have a stutter. You don't want your partner confusing this phrase with an Indian dish because some of the transistors and connectors short-circuited in your wiring. Maybe see a doctor or a speech pathologist in the weeks leading up to the usage of "Suck Mine".

Practice. You think Martin Luther King didn't practice, "I have a dream"? This isn't improv night down at Giggles. Don't botch this. Lines this succinct don't come around everyday.