Sorry, I haven't posted in a week.
To make up for it, I'm deeming today, "Fuck That Shit Friday!" A national holiday where, I at least, am going to air out a bunch of things that have been pissing me off.
Feel free to add to the list in the Comments section. Without further ado, here we go...
1. Lesbians on energy cocktails—Recently, I got into it with a roided up lesbian at the gym. She yelled at me about a TV not working and then later she proceeded to bump me while I was walking to get a drink of water. I also think she was foaming at the mouth and howling like a wolverine. The next time I see her, I'm going to, well I'm not going to do anything, because she's a woman. I can't hit her or even insult her.
Fuck That Shit.
2. Piss soaked rental car seats—Sure. You say your cars are clean Enterprise. But guess what? That ring stain in the back seat that smells like piss—is piss. Maybe next time at least try to cover it up. Oh and also, never ask me again when you show me a car with piss soaked seats, "So do you want it."
Sure, because I love driving around in piss. Next time can you mix in some ejaculate?
Fuck That Shit.
3. Elephants—We get it, you're large, your skin is thick and you never forget anything. Not even that time my mom caught me masturbating. Thanks for bringing that up you dick!
Fuck That Shit.
4. The designers of my Jeep—Hey fuckos! It shouldn't take 35 minutes to change a fucking tail light. Really? A 15/32 socket is the only socket that will fit those fucking bolts. The ones you crammed in about a 14/32 space. Who the fuck just has a 15/32 socket laying around? Yeah, they're real common.
Fuck That Shit.
5. The chairs at the Hyatt—For 5 hours yesterday, I sat in a chair that has left my spine crooked and combusted. It feels a hobo has been kicking me in the lower back with his supermarket feet for days. I mean, shoes and socks off and his filthy feet just whacking away. Then midway through his trouncing, the fuck left a toe nail embedded in my spine.
Fuck That Shit.
6. My Dog and My Cat—The dog has started peeing in the basement. Why? I'm not fucking sure. Jealously? She also got her own treat from the Cat Shit Salad Box Bar this morning. The cat is just a bitch. He hates it when I am in the shower and proceeds to yell at me the entire time I'm in there. Look you tubby bitch, either get in here and wash where you balls used to be or shut the fuck up.
Fuck That Shit.
7. Penn Station Subs—I've never felt worse after a meal. Don't get me wrong, it tasted great. It just left me feeling like a sawed off midget had poured concrete down my throat for a day and a half. Fuck. I think I'm still sweating cheese.
Fuck That Shit.
8. The bitch who can't count at Speedway—Guess what. Your bill was $2.73. The $3 you handed the cashier covers that. There is no need to dig in your purse for an additional 52¢. And you know what, fuck the cashier for not telling her that her bill was $2.73 before she spent three minutes digging past the Depends, chapstick and Judy Blume novel in her purse unnecessarily.
Fuck That Shit.
9. White People—There's no way a black man came up with the concept of Applebee's.
Fuck That Shit.
10. The Chicago Cubs—Somebody told me this week that their relative just passed away. Said they were life long Cub fans. Never got to see them win a World Series. The fucking longer I'm on this planet, the fucking less I think my chances become of ever seeing this happen. One more season down the fucking drains.
Fuck That Shit.
