Drag.

Today's photo comes from Cap'n Syphilis Pin Cushion, aka Matthew Hornyak. 

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. It's been murder on the keyboard. So let's get right to it.

I have no transition from Drag the River to the Drag Queen Bar Where I Was Sexually Harassed By My Male Boss And Nearly Fired At The Same Time other than the word "drag" is in both.

So....

Several years ago, I was working for an ad agency in Chicago. I had three gay bosses.

I only mention this because, anybody who is employed has multiple bosses they have report to, but who has three gay bosses? I have no problem with the fact they were gay, it was just an anomaly—kind of like finding a kitten that can speak Portuguese.

Anyway, for a company party, the head boss decided he was going to take us all to a drag show. This was no big deal to me, nor was it anything new.

Hell, I rang in the new millenium in drag bar that served 25 different kinds of mashed potatoes. While the spuds were exploding on my plate and Dick Clark's synapses were exploding in his head, crossdressers were trying to keep their sausages from exploding out of their gaffs.

So again, nothing new.

But what made the company outing drag show different was having my boss tell me, "unless you get up there and tip that dancer, you're fired." And he wasn't kidding. I asked several times, just for clarity.

This wasn't the first time he threatened me with sexual harassment. On other occasions he told me:

• My "boys" looked nice in a pair of pants I was wearing.
• My "boys" looked nice in a pair of short I was wearing.
• He would fire me if I didn't come to his birthday party, where he promptly grabbed my ass.
• To "get your sweet ass over here" at a party.

I wasn't the only one he sexually harassed. He also reached up another employee's shirt to "feel how much of bear your are", tried to kiss another employee at a gay bar and got way too close to another employee at a urinal—to the point where he asked if he could "shake you off".

The employee he tried to kiss ended up shoving him down a flight of steps. The "bear" grabbed him by the throat. The "shake you off"guy pushed him into a wall. I ended up tipping a Jessica Simpson look-a-like tranny—hey, he had great legs—and then quitting.

Oddly enough HR was aware of his behavior and did nothing. And I mean nothing. All of us went to complain. All of us considered suing the agency but backed off for no real reason other than common decency.

Which is more than he showed us.

I need a shower, I feel dirty.

Smoke Beer, Drink Pot, Fart A Lot!

It's Wednesday and I'm exhausted.


I come from a long line of non-sleepers. My great grandmother would stay up and listen to the radio almost all night. My grandmother used to be a CPA, which means from January 1st to April 15th, she rarely slept. We're talking at the most 2 hours a night. She still goes to bed at 2 and is up by 6 or 7.

I too have inherited this disease/affliction/condition/lifestyle.

As long as I can remember, the sleeping fairy has always dodged me. She just goes right past my window and on to my fat schlub of a neighbor.

Keeping up with work in college was easy because I never slept. Multiple weeks I would sleep 8 hours during a 5 day span. Early on in Chicago, it was easy to out write people or out work them because I would just keep going and going and going and this was with two jobs.

In the past few years, I still have the drive and the ability to stay up as long as possible. Getting up has gotten a little rougher but once my feet are on the floor I'm good.

If I get 6 hours of sleep a night, I'm awesome. But lately, it's not sleeplessness, it's full blown insomnia. Even weirder, it's been popping up for no apparent reason. No more stress in my life now than there ever has been. (Actually there is less.) No weird sleep patterns like sleeping 24 hours on Sunday. No changes in diet. Even my dog sleeps more than I do at night.

So maybe I will try the smoke beer, drink pot and fart a lot method to end my exhaustion.

Who knows.

-A

You Could Be Raped Here.

It's Thursday, but fuckshitdamn it feels like Friday.

Today's Shit Talking image comes from Keith Raines. A talented chap with a chipped tooth on his shoulder.

Now on with the rape.

Having lived in Chicago for almost 10 years, I always loved the negative perception people had of the city. Take for instance my psychotic ex-girlfriend from college. Before I graduated, and before I dumped her crazy ass—I'll get to that in moment—I had a serious desire to move to Chicago.

My professor, the legend, Dennis Altman, who worked for some of the biggest ad agencies in the world, was pushing a few of to Chicago. Rightfully so, it's a great city where you can see everything good! You can go to a museum, you can see priceless works of art. You can eat pancreas!

So back to the craziest bitch in the whole world. I told her, Dennis helped get a few of us some interviews, her response, "Well, I'll never move there because it's dirty." My response, "Have you ever been there?" Her response, "No, but I see on the news that they have newspapers just littering the streets, also there's rape."

This is only one of the stupid things she said/did while we were together.

In fact, let's run down a short list:

• Gave herself shin splints running 25 miles a week. Then blamed me. Because I made her walk home two block from a party once.
• Hit a deer with the back of her car while driving 60 miles per hour on the interstate. To this day I don't understand this one.
• Lied about what city she was from in Tennessee. Who does that? If your hometown was called Number 1, Tennessee wouldn't you want people to know it?
• Developed anorexia/bulimia a year into our relationship. That's NOT the stupid thing. I realize this is a disease that people legitimately suffer from. Here's the stupid thing: She was in school to become... a Nutritionist! She wanted TO HELP GIRLS WHO HAD NEGATIVE BODY ISSUES ANDDDDD ANOREXIA/BULIMIA. If you can't fix yourself, how can you fix others?
• Chased me like a maniac in her car. I finally stopped and threw her keys across a mall parking lot. I got back in the car, drove away and hid in an abandoned Mexican restaurant's parking lot. She found me. I then raced back to my friend's apartment where we turned out all the lights and hid. She called the house 15 to 1000 in one hour.
• Once sat with her head against our front door and proceeded to bang it against the door for 45 minutes. We called our downstairs neighbors and told them to go out and threaten her with the cops. She then took a swing at one of them.
• Threatened to break up with me if I went to work. I said, "Go ahead. I have to pay rent." She retracted this statement, only to show up at my work crying 3 hours later.
• Wore overalls. What girl above the age of 10 and past the age of 50 wears these?
• Tried to have sex with one of my best friends the year after I graduated.
• Said a guy pushed her down the stairs in the school of music and threatened to call the police UNTIL she talked to the head of the music department, who somehow worked out a deal with her where she got to travel with me and the University of Kentucky road band if she didn't call the police.
• Said I pushed her down the stairs and threatened to call the police UNTIL I yelled to my roommate to call the police because she was trespassing and wouldn't leave our apartment.
• Sat in front of our house revving the engine for 45 minutes one night. Finally, one of the neighbors told her to cut it the fuck out.
• Listened to Dave Matthews.
• Tried to convince me that I liked Dave Matthews. Bought me tickets for my birthday. (I went and saw one of the funniest moments of my life. Naked chick on a dude's shoulders—a minute after the chick removed her shirt she threw up on herself and her boyfriend while on his shoulders—hilarious.)
• Cried like a dying cow. WORST cryer ever. Really, you've never heard anything like this girl.
• Tried to forbid me once from going to a concert until she had her period later that night.
• Called my parent's once and told them I was suicidal. I've never been suicidal.
• And the cou de grace. Called my parents, left a message on their answering machine that she was pregnant. My parents heard it and of course freaked out. Turns out, she was not pregnant. She was, again, anorexic/bulimic and didn't have a period because she was way under weight. When I finally got hold of her 12 HOURS LATER, she was drunk. BLASTED. I asked her if she was 100% sure she was pregnant, she said she didn't know. I asked if she'd taken a pregnancy test. She had not because she was too drunk to go get one. 

So why did I stay with this chick? I don't know. It's one of the bigger mysteries of my life.

For all the stupid things she did, it seemed like I was even stupider for staying with her. I think I stayed with her because it was always fun to see what kind of insanity that she would pull next. Hell, my roommates and I still talk about her and its been 15 years.

If nothing else, I got a blog post out of it. And I did move to Chicago to spite her, to get away from her and to prove YOU CAN'T GET RAPED IN CHICAGO. Suck it psycho.

Wintery Blast

Shit.

Lake Shore Drive looks like a McDonald's drive-thru on Shamrock Shake Day.

The city of Chicago and most of the Greater Midwest have been taken over by roving gangs of tauntauns. It's the end of the world ma, it's the end of the world!

Today, if you ever lived near Lincoln Park, you don't belong here, there or any where near the snow monster ravaged city of Chicago.

Good luck Chicago. Good luck reattaching your arms and enjoy some yellow snow.

In other news, this blog is back. New design, new pics and next week, Amy Wathen gets a week dedicated to her for "balls" name. Great job. Glad to be back.

Racist Friday...in 3-D!

How do you follow up Homophobic Thursday?

With Racist Friday. And oh yeah and it's in 3 fucking D.

Today's Shit Talking comes from one of my favorite bars in Chicago. This bar repainted their bathroom once a month because of the level of Shit Talking on the walls.

The 3-D portion of this comes naturally from having one too many Point's—I slipped on something as I was taking the shot. Which leads me to believe how James Cameron created Avatar.

Enjoy the weekend. Snap some Shit Talking photos.